Well, snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. I suppose
after you get discharged from the Army, youll just be waiting for me to die so
you can come and spit on my grave.

Not me, Sarge! the private replied. Once I get out of the Army, I aint
never going to stand in line again!

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mothers broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark. As he went inside, he left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was. She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didnt want to go out to get the broom. His mother smiled and said The Lord is out there too, dont be afraid. The little boy opened the back door a little and said Lord if youre out there, hand me the broom.

As the woman passed her daughters closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.

Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, What in the world are you doing? The daughter replied, Mom, Im thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as Ill ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.

The next day, the girls father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, Dad, Im thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as Ill ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room.

She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, What are you doing!?

The husband replied, Im watching the ball game with my son-in-law.

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

Q: How do I know if Im ready for sex?

A: Ask your boyfriend. Hell know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since theyre not as emotionally confused as women. Its a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?

A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?

A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so dont feel ashamed or embarrassed. After youve finished making love, hell have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Dont feel left out – while hes gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. Hell come back when hes ready.

Q: What is after play?

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. After play is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lovers sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?

A: What about it? Theres no such thing. Its a myth!

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near
the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled
amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden,
Dopey stands up and says, Priest, are there any midget nuns in the
church ? No, said the priest, There are no midget nuns in the
church. A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and
giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably
angering the priest.

Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, Priest, are there any midget
nuns in the city?

No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church.
says
the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the
dismay of the priest.

Once again, Dopey stands up and asks Priest, are there any midget
nuns in the state?

No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no
midget nuns in the church. exclaimed the priest, obviously upset. The
dwarfs continue their interference.

Dopey stands up and asks, Priest, are there any midget nuns in the
country?

The priest, totally angered, exclaims No, my son, there are no midget
nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the
country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit
down!!!!!

Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church,
Dopey f-ked a penguin. Dopey f-ked a penguin. Dopey f-ked a
penguin.

Why was Eminem running down the street?

These Weird Reference Questions are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a better idiot can be invented.

Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?

Do you have that book by Rushdie: Satanic Nurses? (Actual title: Satanic Verses)

I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $

39.

95. Do you know which one it is?

Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites? hahahaha…what a bone head!

Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs? hmmm…I dont recollect any camera-toting cavemen…do you?

Im looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think Im having trouble with it in my neck. (No…thats your brain miss-firing.)

I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months. (I know…how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)

I need a color photograph of George Washington. (Ok…hold on…Ill check with the caveman…)

Is the basement upstairs? (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!

Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, Ive lost my dad!

The policeman said, Whats he like?

Little Johnny replied, Beer and women!