There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse.

If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year.

If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.

Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol slut.

What if Operating Systems were Airlines?

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.



Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides; then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. They then push again, jump on again, and so on…



Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you dont need to know, dont want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.



Windows Air

The airport terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

But officer, the man began, I can explain.



Just be quiet, snapped the officer. Im going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.



But, officer, I just wanted to say,…



And I said to keep quiet! Youre going to jail!



A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chiefs at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back.



Dont count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. Im the groom.

5. Im not going to grant any extensions.

4. Call me any time. Im always available.

3. It doesnt matter what I think; write what you believe.

2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.

1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.

A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, whats the problem officer?To which the policeman responded, I stopped you for running that red light behind you. Just then the mans wife leaned forward from the drivers seat and said with a very loud voice, I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going.

The man then turned to his wife and yelled Shut up stupid! The policeman continued, And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30. His wife then leaned forward again and squawked I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me.

And again the man shouted at his wife Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!

The policeman then looked at the woman and said does he always talk to you this way?

To which the woman responed, Only when he has been drinking.

A LIZARD CAN JUMP UP AND YOU
WOULD NOT OF NOTICED UNTIL YOU CAME BACK FROM THE SKY.

December 1

Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2

Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3

Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4

Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5

Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6

Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7

Debug Windows 95

December 10

Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11

Lay Faberge egg.

December 12

Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13

Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14

Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15

Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade holiday scents in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17

Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19

Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20

Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioners sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21

Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22

Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23

Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24

Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25

Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26

Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27

Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31

New Years Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said Look at that dog with one eye!

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, Why?

Overheard in a small gathering at a pub…

A man asks:
Whats the difference between your wife and your girlfriend?

Answer:
60 pounds!

A woman counters with:
Whats the difference between your husband and your boyfriend?

Answer:
60 minutes!