A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, Say, Father, what causes arthritis? Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man. Well, Ill be damned, the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. Im very sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? I dont have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does.

When Sting dies, will his tombstone say, Stung?

Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what theyre saying?

Just by following these easy steps, you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.

What you hear and what it means:

A MEDGEN: visualize, conjure up mentally, John Lennon s first solo album Imagine, as if it was a Bug Hut in the Land of the Long White Cloud.

BETTING: Betting Gloves are worn by betsmen in crucket.

BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the nick and the billy.

BUGGER: As in mine is bugger then yours.

CHULLY BUN: Chilly bin also known as an ESKY

COME YOUSE: Controversial captain of the Australian cricket team who resigned tearfully in favor of Allan Border. Full name: Kimberley John Hughes.

DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy.

ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like Surria, E-Jupp and Libernon.

EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff.

GUESS: Flammable vapor used in stoves.

CHICK OUT CHUCKS: Supermarket point of sale operators.

SENDLES: Sandals, thongs and open shoes.

COLOR: Terminator, violent forecloses of human life.

CUSS: Kiss.

DUCK HID: Term of abuse directed mainly at males.

PHAR LAP: New Zealands famous racehorse christened Phillip but was incorrectly written down as Phar Lap by an Australian racing official who was not well versed in Kiwi-ese.

DUNNESTY: US television soap opera starred Joan Collins as Elixirs Kerrungton.

ERROR ROUTE: Arnotts famous oval-shaped mulk error route buskets.

FITTER CHENEY. A type of long flat pasta, not to be confused with Rugger Tony or Tell ya. Tilly.

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?
She looked at him and indignantly replied: Well Duhhh!, Im still winning.

Una chica sale con un muchacho y éste conduce su coche a una calle oscura, donde se estaciona y empieza a besarla y acariciarla.

La chica primero acepta, pero luego, de golpe, abre la puerta y sale corriendo. Al llegar a su casa escribe en su diario:

Querido diario: las mejores amigas de una mujer son sus piernas.

La semana siguiente se reproduce la misma situación. Calle oscura, comienzan los besos y abrazos, pero la chica se arrepiente, abre la puerta y sale corriendo. Al llegar a la casa vuelve a escribir en el diario:

Querido diario: las mejores amigas de una mujer son sus piernas.

Tercera oportunidad en que se encuentran. Esta vez la chica llega a su casa pasadas las tres de la mañana y escribe en su diario:

Querido diario: a veces hasta las mejores amigas deben separarse.

Un hombre en sus cuarentas compró un BMW y salió a correrlo a la autopista a toda velocidad, cuando de pronto vio la luz roja y azul de una patrulla siguiéndolo.

No hay forma de que me alcancen con este auto, pensó y aceleró a fondo. Tras unos segundos, se dio cuenta del problema en el que se estaba metiendo, y se detuvo a un lado de la carretera.

El policía se acercó a él, tomó su licencia sin decir nada, la examinó con cuidado y revisó el auto. Después le dijo:

Mire amigo, ha sido un día muy pesado, estoy a punto de terminar mi turno y además es viernes. No tengo ganas de hacer papeleo, así que si puede darme una excusa para su exceso de velocidad que no haya escuchado nunca antes, lo dejaré ir.

El tipo lo pensó por un segundo y respondió:

La semana pasada mi esposa se fugó con un policía. Tenía miedo de que usted estuviera tratando de regresármela.

¡Que tenga un bonito fin de semana!, dijo el policía.

For the past three years, the government has worked hard and spent many tax dollars to find the approval ratings for unemployment.

They have concluded that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of the working population.

Now lets just hope that the unemployment rate doesnt change.

This black guy walks into this bar, with a parrot.

The bartender asked What would you like?

The parrot said A Budlight

The amazed bartener started to ask the man Where did you get him?

But the parrot interupted Africa!! Theres a thousands of em!

yo mommas so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washingtons nose!

Man is the king of his castle A king is a ruler A ruler is 12 inches Still think youre a man?