Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden.

Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.

Youll never get that worm back in his hole, said the old man.

Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.

After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.

Billy! Youre a genius, exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.

Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.

Grampa, said the boy, You already gave me a dollar.

No, replied grampa, That dollars from grandma!

1:00 am – Alarm clock rings
2:00 am – Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
2:30 am – Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pick-up
3:00 am – Leave for the deep woods
3:15 am – Back home to pick up gun
3:30 am – Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent
4:00 am – Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight
4:30 am – Set up camp
6:05 am – Head for the woods
6:06 am – See eight deer
6:07 am – Take aim and squeeze the trigger
6:08 am – CLICK
8:00 am – Load gun while watching deer go over the hill
9:00 am – Head back to camp
12:00 NOON – Fire gun for help–eat wild berries
12:15 pm – Run out of bullets–eight deer come back
12:20 pm – Strange feeling in stomach
12:30 pm – Realize you ate poison berries
12:45 pm – Rescued
12:55 pm – Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped
3:00 pm – Arrive back at camp
3:30 pm – Leave camp to kill deer
4:00 pm – Return to camp for bullets
4:01 pm – Load gun–Leave camp again
5:00 pm – Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
6:00 pm – Arrive at camp–see deer grazing in camp
6:01 pm – Load gun
6:02 pm – Fire gun
6:03 pm – One dead pick-up
6:05 pm – Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer
6:06 pm – Repress desire to shoot hunting partner
6:07 pm – Fall into fire
6:10 pm – Change clothes–throw burned ones onto fire
6:15 pm – Take pick-up, leave hunting partner and his deer in camp
6:25 pm – Pick-up boils over–hole shot in block
6:26 pm – Start walking
6:30 pm – Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud
6:35 pm – Meet bear
6:36 pm – Take aim
6:37 pm – Fire gun, blow up barrel–plugged with mud
6:38 pm – Mess pants
6:39 pm – Climb tree
9:00 pm – Bear leaves. Wrap *$%!@#$% gun around tree

Midnight – Home at last

[Note – Copyright Paul Auger (pauger@gwi.net) – ed.]

As a poor student, these are things you definitely would NOT want to see happen at the ATM…



* You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: Not worth wasting paper., and ejects your card.



* You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: Account not found. and keeps your card.



* You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.



* You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!, and ejects your card clear across the room.



* You think youve got £100 in your account and go to take out £50, and the screen says: Not in this lifetime. and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.



* You go to the ATM, and theres a picture of you a-la-Most Wanted staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well. -or-

Wanted by the environmental police for creating unnecessary paper trash.

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimers. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldnt handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.

A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.

Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.

Then he starting leaning forward.

This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, How do you like the place?

Its okay, he said. But, they wont let me fart!

Youve been programming too long when:

When you are counting objects, you count in hexidecimal.

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says If you dont turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!, and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: grep keys /dev/pockets

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that youre doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.