A man comes home after an assignment of 3-years and



he finds, there is an additional member of the family,



a 29 months toddler. Furious he demands an explanation.



He says, how could you have done this to me! Did you cheat



on me with one of my friends, was it Josh, was it



Nathan, or was it John?



His wife with a daring look says, your friends! Your



friends! Don’t you think I have my own friends too?

One day a man went to the beach to drown himself when he saw a bottle. He brushed the sand off of it and a genie came out. 3 Wishes u know the drill, says the genie. So, the man wishes for a porche. Thres his porche. He knows this is for real now, so he wisheds for the car to be filled with thousand dollar bills. POOF! There they are. He tells the genie to get back in so he can think of the ultamite wish. He then hops in his car, not the man wanting to commit suicide anymore. He was so happy he was singing! I wish I were an oscar meyer weiner… and POOF! he was an oscar meyer weiner.

This lady in N.Y. City use to go to a corner store that sells ducks and she was known to go there to by a Long Island duck at all times, one day she did her usual routine and stop at that corner store to by a Long Island duck, she notest a new owner operating the store so she ask him for a Long Island duck, the man went to the back and grab a duck and give it to her, she toke the duck, puts her finger in the ducks ass and says, excuse me sir but I asked for a Long Island duck and this is a new jersey duck, so the man looked at her, went to the back and grab another duck, gives it to her and again she puts her finger in the ducks ass and says, excuse me again sir but Ive told you that I want a Long Island duck and this is a New York duck, the man looked at her angry, goes to the back and grabs another one and gives it to her, she did the inspection again and said, sir, finally you got it right, this is a long Island duck! By the way sir you look new here, where you from? The man still angry from her attitude looks at her, turns around, puts hes pants down and says, listen lady if youre smart, check my asshole.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

What do you call an [ethnic] lady having an abortion?

Crimestopper.

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

The patient shook his doctors hand in gratitude and said, Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.

That is very kind of you, said the doctor emotionally, and then added,

Can I see that prescription I just gave you? Id like to make a little change…

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave at her.

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of thegovernment to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.)–Always put staples in the right hand corner.Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from theenvelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.–Never arrange paperwork in the right order,or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way theyhave to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the leftside).–Line the bottom of your envelope withElmers glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated openerdoesnt open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.–If your very unfortunate and have to paytaxes use a two or three party check.–On top of paying with a three party checkpay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter howsmall an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.–Write a little letter of appreciation. Anyletter received has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on.–Write your letter on something misshapen andunconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack.–When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope(even if its just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differentlythan regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they takepriority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.–If you send 2 checks theyll have to stapleyour unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.–Always put extra paper clips on your forms.Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.–Sign your name in ink on every page. Anysignature has to verified and then date stamped.NOTE: These are just a few of the fun andexciting things you can do with The Man. These methods are only recommended when you owemoney

A woman is in a dentists office…

Dentist: Maam, that tooth looks very bad, and Im going to have to pull it.

Woman: Get my tooth pulled? Id rather go through childbirth.

Dentist: Well, make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair.

One of *my* favorite countryfied sayins from Brother Dave Gardner:

Son, Im gonna hit you on your head so hard, youre hum like a ten-penny finishin nail hit with a greasy ball-peen hammer.