Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddams chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much without them functioning well. Im going back home! he tells the Iraqi. Well finish these talks in two weeks!

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clintons chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

Forget this, says Saddam. Im going back to Baghdad!

Clinton says through tears of laughter, What Baghdad?

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "Whatll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please.

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until theyre gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You dont have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low Ill bring you a fresh cold one." The man says, "You dont understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night wed still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and were drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and Id just like to say that Im sorry that one of your brothers died." The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine—-I just quit drinking."

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, Oh, look! A nut! The second squirrel jumped on it and said, It’s my nut!

The first squirrel said, That’s not fair! I saw it first!

Well, you may have seen it, but I have it, argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, You shouldn’t quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute. The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, Now, give me the nut. He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.

Then he reached over and said, And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.

Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45 – One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvanias bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side.

Una comisión de mujeres trataba de llegar a un acuerdo acerca de qué es lo mejor para lograr la plenitud sexual. Las opiniones estaban divididas del siguiente modo:

Siempre podés elegir entre un consolador y un hombre, pero éste último te da las siguientes ventajas:

1. Si no llegás al orgasmo tendrás a quien echarle la culpa.

2. Él se encarga de pagar la noche de diversión.

3. Te hace regalos para conseguir una próxima vez.

Aunque hay que reconocer que el consolador también tiene sus ventajas:

1. No te dice cosas que no te creés ni de lejos, para lograr meterse dentro de ti.

2. No le tenés que decir estuvo muy bueno, justo cuando te estabas por echar el cuarto.

3. Una vez que lo usaste no te despierta con los ronquidos.

4. Es diet: endulza pero no engorda.

La comisión se expidió definitivamente en favor del segundo elemento, aunque por cuestiones económicas, conviene tener las dos posibilidades a mano.

Llega un negrito del Choco y observa a su patrona desde un agujero de la puerta, mientras ésta sale totalmente desnuda y se despereza diciendo: Uuuuyy qué modorra…

El negro, admirado de escuchar el amplio léxico de la patrona, se va inmediatamente para donde la negra que era su mujer y repite la escena que vio donde la patrona; mientras tanto la negra va saliendo y lo observa todo desnudo y le grita la negra:

¡Ay José María, vos que haces todo viringote allí!

Y le responde el negro, queriendo imitar a la patrona para llamar la atención de la negra:

¡Uuuuyy, negra, es que tengo una gonorrea…!

Va el león caminando por la selva, cuando de pronto se encuentra con el burro el cual está llorando y leyendo la biblia.

El león al verlo así decide preguntarle:

¿Por qué estás llorando?

Y el burro contesta:

Mira, es que aquí dice: Con la misma vara que mides te van a medir…

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnstons first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

29. Apoligze to your roommate. If he asks why, tell him that he should know better than you.