These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.Sign seen in London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: Closed for official opening. Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. Sign in a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

One day President Bush was visiting Queen Elizabeth and she decided to take him for a tour of London in the Royal Carriage. The carriage was being pulled by six Royal Stallions and one of them suddenly passed gas. It sounded like a 21-gun salute it was so loud! The smell permeated the inside of the carriage and the Queen was totally devastated.I appoligize profusely for the terrible smell inside the carriage, she said. Oh, thats alright, said the George, for a minute there I thought it was the horse!

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? its been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily, Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so!

The wife asks, Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It wont close right.

Fix the fridge door? … Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I dont think so., replies the husband.

Fine, she says, Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? Theyre about to break.

Im not a damn carpenter and I dont want to fix steps, he says. Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I dont think so. Ive had enough of you. Im going to the bar!!!

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, Howd all this get fixed?

She said, Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

So what kind of cake did you bake him?, asks the husband.

She replies, Hellooooo … do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I dont think so!

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

Maam, is there a reason that youre weaving all over the road?

The woman replied, Oh officer, thank goodness youre here. I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied: Maam … thats your air freshener.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who cant even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
Its one of those evolutionary things that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with A man once told me…
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How do you fix a womans watch?
You dont. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women cant shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. Hell shut up once you let him in.
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Whats worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who wont do what shes told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didnt know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a womans sex drive by 90%.
Its called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be eq

Mrs. Harris asked the class what fascinate meant. Tina raised her hand and said, My mom and me were fascinated my the animals at the zoo.
Well, Tina, thats good but I want fascinate.
Georgia raised her hand, The drawings were fascinating.
Again the teacher said, thats good but I want fascinate.
Then, she saw that Bobby had his hand up in the back of the classroom. Bobby was known around school for his naughty references, but she decided what could he get out of fascinate?
Yes, Bobby?
My sister has a shirt with ten buttons.
Okay, but…
Im getting there. My sister has a shirt with ten buttons. But her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the mans sorry progress and figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

Finally he asked, May I help you, my son?

I dunno, came the drunks voice from behind the partition. You got any toilet paper on your side?!?

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! Whats WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

So ,this penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman have you seen my brother?…
and the barman says I dont know, what does he look like? (ba-dum-tish)

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Pablo!
Pablo who?
Pablo your horn!