Old and New Jokes

A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground he begins kicking her and screaming, Youre not so tough tonight are you Batman!

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told im, “Englander,your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off.”
The English prisoner said, “Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?”
The German replied, “Ya, that vill not be a problem.”

A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, “Well, could drop it over England like you did last time?”
“Ya, that vill be done,” says the German.

The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, “Well, could you do the same as before?”
The German replies, “Vhy, ya.”
The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. “Well,” begins the Brit, “could you just…”
The German snapped, “No! We think you are trying to escape!”

If we could shrink the Earths population to a village of precisely 100 people,
with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something
like the following.

There would be:

57 Asians

21 Europeans

14 from the Western Hemisphere, both North and South

8 Africans

52 would be female

48 would be male

70 would be non-white

30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian

30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual

11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire worlds wealth and all 6 would be from
the United States

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death

1 would be near birth

1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education

1 would own a computer

A man went to his doctor and said, I want to be castrated.

What? said the doctor, surely you dont want that.

Yes, said the man, thats what I want; I insist.

So, the doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did he was stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating room, anaesthetized, and CHWOP! off they came. The next day, he woke up in a double room and, wanting to be socialable, asked the man in the next bed what he was in for.

Oh, I was circumsized, the man said.

Son of a bitch! Thats the word I was looking for!

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link -Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995

Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us -Holland Sentinal, date unknown.

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut -The New York Times, November 22

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find -The Los Angeles Times, November 2

Light meals are lower in fat, calories -Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30

Alcohol ads promote drinking -The Hartford Courant, November 18

Malls try to attract shoppers -The Baltimore Sun, October 22

Official: Only rain will cure drought -The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men -The Sunday Oregonian, September 24

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty -Newsday, July 11

Man shoots neighbor with machete -The Miami Herald, July 3

Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes -The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows -The New York Times, March 10

Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies -The Los Angeles Times, March 2

Scientists see quakes in L.A. future -The Oregonian, January 28

Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning -The Buffalo News, February 26

Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold -Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer -Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25

Economist uses theory to explain economy -Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8

Bible churchs focus is the Bible -Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons -Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6

Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity -The Chicago Tribune, March 5

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear -Journal of Commerce, April 20

Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person -The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2

Lack of brains hinders research -The Columbus Dispatch, April 16

Cement Supplies seen as adequate -The Bangkok Post, January 28

How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hay -Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5

Fish lurk in streams -Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29

Dole loses debate by not winning -Some newspaper