Old and New Jokes

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman Give me six double vodkas.

The barman says Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.

Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back…

Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said Jesus! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?

Yeah, my wife…

A blonde walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a WW. Not knowing what that was, he asked the blonde what it was and she told him a White Wine. So he gave her some white wine.

Another blonde walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a RW. Again not knowing what it was, he asked the blonde. She told him it was a Red Wine. So he gave her some red wine.

Then a 3rd blonde walks into the bar, and asks the bartender for a Double7. Very confused, the bartender asks what that is. And the blonde says, Duuuh! 15!.

Los animales de la selva estaban organizando una gran fiesta de buena voluntad. El león fungía como gerente y sus hijos, como ejecutivos, motivaban a todos a los animales a participar. Después de diseñar un plan estratégico, se organizaron empresas usando las ventajas comparativas que sus miembros tenían. A la empresa de los fuertes, formada por el elefante, el rinoceronte, el tapir y el hipopótamo, se les encargó que prepararan el área donde se realizaría la fiesta. El ejecutivo cachorro les aconsejó que trabajaran como que si fueran unos bulldozer. El sapo que estaba cerca, gritó:

¡Está bien que aplanen todo el lugar, pero no olviden traer unas putas!

Los del equipo de los fuertes se hacen los desentendidos y comienzan a trabajar. Luego llaman a la empresa de los altos, formada por la jirafa, el dromedario y el camello, y el junior ejecutivo responsable les indica que deben traer flores y frutas. Los altos aceptan el trabajo, pero el sapo, que seguía en la reunión, vuelve a indicar:

¡Está bien que traigan flores y frutas, pero no olviden traer unas putas!

Los de esta empresa se hacen los desentendidos y se van a realizar su trabajo. Ahora, uno de los ejecutivos leones llama a la empresa de los acróbatas, formada por los chimpancés, papiones, monos arañas y otros changos, y les solicita que salgan a distribuir las invitaciones para la fiesta, y el sapo nuevamente increpa:

¡Está bien que inviten a todos los viven en los árboles, pero no olviden traer unas putas!

Nuevamente, todos se hacen los desentendidos y se van a hacer su trabajo. La actitud del sapo se repite cada vez que encargan un trabajo a cada empresa, y el león y sus ejecutivos ya están hasta las chanclas de la vaciladera del sapo, y acuerdan un plan para callarlo. El león, para que lo oigan todos los animales, habla a través de un megáfono:

¡TODOS LOS ANIMALES DE LA SELVA Y LA LLANURA ESTÁN INVITADOS A ESTA GRAN FIESTA DE BUENA VOLUNTAD, A EXCEPCIÓN DE AQUEL ANIMALITO VERDE Y CON UNA BOCA MUY GRANDE!

Ante lo cual el sapo, encogiendo la boca como si fuera a lanzar un beso, responde:

¡Está bien que no inviten a mi compadre el cocodrilo, pero no olviden traer unas putas!

Una mujer que ve que su casa se está incendiando le grita a su marido:

¡Auxilio! ¡Socorro, amor, que llamen a los bomberos! ¡Se quema nuestra casaaaa!

Sin inmutarse, el esposo le responde, llevándose el dedo índice a los labios:

¡Shhhh! ¡Silencio, mi amor, no hagas ruido que vas a despertar a tu madre!

Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones at once.

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms. After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground. Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, I dont think much of this budgie jumping. The other moron replies, Yeah, Im not too keen on this paragliding either.

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldnt help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.

Reading the young priests thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, Ive been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You dont suppose he took it do you?

The priest said, Well, I doubt it, but Ill write him a letter just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote: Dear Father, Im not saying that you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and Im not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: Dear Father, Im not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper, and Im not saying that you do not sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Paco abre un restaurante en la autopista y su amigo Pepe le dice:

Paco, pon un cartel en el camino para atraer a los clientes.

Un mes después Pepe pasa por la autopista y no ve ningún cartel, pasa el restaurante y piensa que Paco se arrepintió de la colocación del cartel.

Unos 10 minutos depués encuentra un cartel luminoso que dice:

Restaurante. Retroceda 5 Km.

Un cieguito pedía limosna en una esquina. Pasa un hombre y al querer colocar una moneda en el jarro de metal, aquella pega en el borde y cae lejos. El ciego se levanta, la toma y la introduce en el jarro.

El hombre lo mira y le dice furioso:

¡Basura! ¡Usted es un estafador! ¡No es ciego! Anda engañando a la gente, ¡sinvergüenza!

Cálmese señor, sucede que el cieguito esta enfermo y yo lo estoy reemplazando para juntar dinero.

Ah… ¿y usted a que se dedica?

Soy el sordomudo de la otra esquina…

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.



My son, says one, has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. Hes so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.



The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. Hes so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.



The third mans son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.



As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.



To tell the truth, Im not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. For fifteen years, hes been a hairdresser, and Ive just recently discovered hes a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.