Archive for January, 2019

Bus Full of Politicians

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. So you buried all the politicians? asked the police officer. Were they all dead?

The farmer answered, Some said they werent, but you know how politicians lie.

Pre-nuptial agreements

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him.

The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

Ill only marry you under three conditions. she said.

Anything, anything, said the ambassador.

First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France.

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, Yes, yes, I build, I build!

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

Finally, she said. Ill only marry you, if you have a 10 inch tool.

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!

Scriptures out of context… This is a joke from my pastor about the using the Scriptures out of context…

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]


A man was looking into the Bible for some guidance. Not knowing where to look, he simply opened the Bible randomly and point his finger at a passage. Wherever his finger lands, he will take as advice.

Heres the first: Judas went out and hanged himself. Not knowing what to make out of that, he tried again.

This time it is: Go and do likewise. Completely baffled, he tried a third time.

Whatever you are to do, do so quickly.

Knock Knock Whos there? Midas! Midas who? Midas well

Poza publicata in [ Knock-knock ]

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Midas!
Midas who?
Midas well open the door!

Knock Knock Whos there? Tank! Tank who? Your welcome!

Poza publicata in [ Knock-knock ]

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tank!
Tank who?
Your welcome!

Q: How many editors

Poza publicata in [ Lightbulb ]

Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.

Un abogado se muere y

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Un abogado se muere y se va al cielo, llega y toca la puerta. En eso sale San Pedro y le dice: ¿Tú quien eres?

Yo soy abogado y me han mandado al cielo, responde al abogado. ¡No, no! tú no puedes entrar acá.

¿Pero cómo que no puedo entrar?, ¿tú quien eres para decirme que no puedo entrar?

¿Como?… yo soy San pedro, el que decide si entras o no.

A ver, ¿dónde está tu título que dice que eres San pedro, el único que puede dejar o no entrar al cielo?

Un momento, dice San Pedro, y se va corriendo a buscar a Jesús y le cuenta lo que pasa con el abogaddo.

Entonces sale Jesús: Bueno, hombre, al parecer tú no puedes entrar al cielo porque ya no tenemso espacio, y ya… ya no pues.

¿Cómo que no hay sitio, tú quién eres para que no me dejes entrar?

Yo soy Jesus el hijo de Dios y te digo que ya no puedes entrar al cielo.

¿Cómo que hijo de Dios? ¿Cuál Dios?, a ver, enseñame tu partida de nacimiento donde dice que eres el hijo de Dios.

Entonces Jesus va a buscar a Dios…

Papá… allá afuera hay un abogado que quiere entrar al cielo, primero le pidió su título a San Pedro, luego me pidió partida de nacimiento para ver si soy hijo de Dios… ¿qué hago?

Ya, ya, ya… déjalo entrar, ¡no vaya ser que me pida partida de matrimonio!

Un tipo iba por la

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Un tipo iba por la carretera y ve un cartel que indicaba… máxima a 80, y el tipo disminuye la velocidad a 80.

Después mira otro cartel, máxima a 60, y vuelve a disminuir la velocidad a 60, al rato otro que decía máxima a 40, y disminuye a 40.

Va bajando la velocidad hasta que mira un cartel:

Bienvenidos a Máxima.

1. Im really keen to

Poza publicata in [ Business ]

1. Im really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.

2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.

3. Ill kill myself if I dont get a job.

4. I know where you live.

5. Any sentence beginning with I was recently acquitted.

6. Im really tall, so I think Id be well suited to this job.

7. Happy faces.

8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.

9. Im confident that Ill get this job. The voices told me.

Sometimes youre the bird, and

Poza publicata in [ Business ]

Sometimes youre the bird, and sometimes youre the windshield.