A rather fat woman with a sagging figure was vacationing in Florida. She goes into a shop and buys a bikini.
The next day she comes back and wants to return the bikini top and get half her money back.
The clerk says, But you need the top too.
The woman replies, No, I dont. I can get everything into the bottom.
Estan dos invidentes frente a la puerta de Catedral, cantando con sus guitarras una tristÃsima cancion…
Se acerca un tipo elegante y bien vestido y le dice a uno de ellos: Buen hombre… le voy a dar algo para que no vuelva a cantar en su vida.
El cieguito afortunado, emite un gruñido y su compañero interpretándolo como de satisfacción, le pregunta: ¿que te dio, cabrón, que te dio?
Y el afortunado contesta, con voz apenas distinguible: ¡¡Un navajazo!!
Un quÃmico, un biólogo y un ingeniero electricista fueron condenados a muerte y estaban esperando la silla eléctrica. El quÃmico fue llevado primero.
¿Hay algo que quieras decir? preguntó el verdugo, mientras lo sujetaba a la silla.
No, dijo el quÃmico.
El verdugo bajó el interruptor… Y no pasó nada. De acuerdo con la ley, si una ejecución falla, el prisionero tiene que ser liberado; asà que el quÃmico fue puesto en libertad. Entonces le tocó el turno al biólogo.
¿Hay algo que quieras decir?
No, haz lo que tengas que hacer.
El verdugo bajó el interruptor… Y otra vez no pasó nada, asà que el biólogo fue liberado. Entonces le tocó el turno al ingeniero.
¿Hay algo que quieras decir?, preguntó el ejecutor.
SÃ. Si cambias de lugar ese cable rojo con el azul, es posible que esto funcione…
What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!
The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbis garb.
May I come in? asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we …
I know what you do here, interrupted the rabbi. You dont think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls.
Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, Good! Ill take those.
The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door.
Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosies astonishment, the rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, How old are you, Rabbi?
The rabbi said, God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old.
That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if youre ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me – Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you.
The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again.
Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap.
Okay. The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, Wait one minute. This is important. While Im asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless.
Of course, Rabbi, said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbis testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, Im ready.
And so he was, for, to Rosies delight, he was even better the second time than the first. As she lay panting, Rosie said, It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I dont understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?
Oh that, said the rabbi. Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I dont know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is five hundred dollars.
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies Id nibbled, the eggnog Id taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
Id remember the marvelous meals Id prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way Id never said, No thank you, please.
As I dressed myself in my husbands old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt—
I said to myself, as I only can You cant spend a winter
disguised as a man!
So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I wont have a cookie – not even a lick.
Ill want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I wont have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
Ill munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
Im hungry, Im lonesome, and life is a bore—
But isnt that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Man – A Chemical Analysis
Element: Man Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole) Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4inches. Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs) Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties : a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others. b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God. c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol). d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution. e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore… zzzzz). f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick. h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore. j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied
Chemical properties : a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo. d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available. e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red. f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody. g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements. h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers. i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety. j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
Storage : a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
Uses : a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo… b) Can be used in recreational activities.
Tests : a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Caution : a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.
Q: What does Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: Space. The final frontier…
Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, Buckle up!
Knock over every cone while doing manoeuvrability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesnt dirty the seat.
When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say Oops.
Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, Now which one is the gas again?
After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
Fill your car with beer bottles.
The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
Swear at everybody on the road.
When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
Beep your horn at everything.
Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.