Una pareja que tan sólo llevaba dos semanas de casados sostiene el siguiente diálogo, porque el marido, aunque se sentía feliz, ya andaba con ganas de irse de parranda, así que le dice a su mujer:

Mi vida, ahorita vengo.

¿Adónde vas, cariño? (Expresión de recién casados).

Al bar mi cielito, a tomarme una cervecita.

La mujer se lleva la mano a la cintura y le dice:

¿Quiere cervecita, mi amorcito? Y en eso abre la puerta del frigorífico y le enseña 25 marcas de cerveza de 12 países diferentes: mexicanas, alemanas, holandesas, japonesas, etc.

El marido no sabe qué hacer y se le ocurre decirle:

¡Ay, mi pichurri, pero en el bar, tú sabes, la jarra helada…!

No terminaba de decir esto, cuando la esposa interrumpe diciéndole:

¿Quiere jarra congelada mi amorcito?

Saca del congelador una jarra helada, congelada, blanca, tan blanca que hasta temblaba de frío.

El marido apenado dice:

Sí churri mía, pero en el bar sirven unas tapitas riquísimas, vuelvo enseguida, ¿Sí?

¿Quiere tapitas, mi amorcito?

Abre el horno y el frigorífico y saca quince platos diferentes de tapas: aceitunas, chopitos, patatas bravas, alioli, cacahuates, palomitas, quesos, paté, caviar, carnes frías, etc.

Pero caramelito, en el bar, tú sabes, las maldiciones, las palabrotas y todo aquello…

¿Quiere palabrotas, mi amorcito? Entonces, ¡te tomas la puta cerveza, en la jodida jarra helada y te comes las tapas, pero de aquí no sales, hijo de puta!

Era verano y hacía un calor bárbaro, el marido sale del baño y le dice a su mujer:

Gordita hace demasiado calor y tengo que cortar el césped. ¿Qué crees tu que dirán los vecinos si salgo en pelotas?

La mujer lo mira y responde:

Creerán que me casé contigo por dinero…

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! Cmon,you and i need to clean up, your stuff is lying on the floor and youll have no clothes to wear, if we dont do laundry right now!



What a Man Hears:



blah,blah,blah,blah,CMON

blah,blah,blah,blah,YOU AND I

blah,blah,blah,blah,ON THE FLOOR

blah,blah,blah,blah,NO CLOTHES

blah,blah,blah,blah,RIGHT NOW!

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.



Inside the closet, the little boy says, Its dark in here, isnt it?



Yes it is, the man replies.



You wanna buy a baseball? the little boy asks.



No thanks, the man replies.



I think you do want to buy a baseball, the little extortionist continues.



OK. How much? the man replies after considering the position he is in.



Twenty-five dollars, the little boy replies.



TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.



The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.



Its dark in here, isnt it? the boy starts off.



Yes it is, replies the man.



Wanna buy a baseball glove? the little boy asks.



OK. How much? the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.



Fifty dollars, the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boys father says, Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and well play some catch.



I cant. I sold them, replies the little boy.



How much did you get for them? asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.



Seventy-five dollars, the little boy says.



SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! Thats thievery! Im taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.



At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says Its dark in here, isnt it?



Dont you start that crap in here now, the priest says.

Knock-knock.



whos there?





centipede.





centipede who?





centipede around the Christmas tree.

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THATS ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Sign outside a church in New York City :

Todays Sermon:

Do Not Be Deceived

By Rev. Arthur McConnel

Jack and Tom, are having a beer in a saloon when a cowboy walks in with an Indians head under his arm. He hands it to the bartender, and the bartender hands him money. The bartender turns to them and says, I hate Indians. Last week they burnt my barn to the ground and killed my wife and three kids. Anybody brings me the head of an Indian, Ill give them a thousand bucks. Jack and Tom guzzle their beers and leave to go hunt Indians. After a while, they finally spot one. Jack throws a rock, it hits him on the head, the Indian falls off his horse, and rolls seventy feet down a ravine. The two cowboys make their way down the ravine and Tom pulls out his knife to claim their trophy. Jack says, Tom, take a look at this. Tom says, Not now, Im busy. Jack says, I really think you should have a look. Tom says, Asshole, cant you see Im busy? Ive got a thousand dollars in my hand. Jack says, Please, Tom, take a look. Tom looks up at the top of the ravine, and theres five thousand Indians standing there. Tom says, Fuck! Were gonna be millionaires!

Its Holiday time. I suspect that anybody whos read rec.humor over
the last few years has probably seen this piece. Nonetheless, it
remains one of the best such bits, and for the estimated 6,000 of you
that dont read rec.humor, Im including it. It contains abusive
and obscene language, but its necessary.

As the holidays approach, I will be posting just a few jokes, mostly
Christmas related ones, as I expect most of you readers out there will
be leaving your computer terminals for airline terminals. As for me,
its my policy not to shop until the 24th. It makes it more exciting.

Remember to spend extravagantly, or youll have to listen to economists
talk about how consumer indicators are down for at least three months.
At least, thats how the mall manager explained it to me. And remember,
malls are what made America abandon its urban cores, turning them
into blighted slums that Yuppies could buy cheap. So be patronizing
to their retailers this season.

Have a good time, and wherever you go, dont forget the true meaning
of Christmas–the free travel vouchers you get when the airline bumps
you.

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 14, 1986

My Darling,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldnt have been more surprised.
Youre an angel.

With all my love and devotion,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 15, 1986

Darling,

Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine Two turtle
doves. Im delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I
love you for them.

All my love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 16, 1986

Dear Fred,

Oh! Arent you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I dont
deserve such generosity as Three French hens. They are just darling but I
must insist, youve been too kind.

Love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 17, 1986

Dear Fred,

Today the postman delivered Four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful but dont you think enough is enough? Youre being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 18, 1986

Dearest Fred,

What a surprise! The postman just delivered the Five golden rings; one
for every finger. Youre just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 19, 1986

Dear Fred,

I couldnt believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front
porch and there were Six geese a laying on my front steps. So youre back
to the birds again – huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep
them? The neighbors are complaining and I cant sleep through the racket.
I love your thoughtfulness, but –

Please Stop!

Cordially,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 20, 1986

Fred,

Whats with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received Seven swans
a swimming. What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds shit
all over the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket.
I cant sleep at night and Im a nervous wreck.

Stop your laughing damn you! Its not funny. Just knock it off with
those fucking birds, OK?????

Sincerely,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 21, 1986

OK Buster,

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with Eight
maids a milking?? Its not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids
milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is shit all over the
lawn and I cant even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!!

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 22, 1986

Hey Shithead,

What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now Ive got Nine pipers
playing and Christ do they play! They havent stopped chasing those maids
since theyve arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and theyre
stepping all over the screeching fucking birds. What the hell am I going to
do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.

Youll get yours, bastard,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 23, 1986

You Rotten Prick,

Who in hell needs Ten ladies dancing?? I cant imagine why I call these
sluts ladies. Theyve been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows
cant sleep and all the goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhea.
My living room is a river of shit! The Commisioner of Bldgs. has
subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned!

Im sicking the police on you, asshole!

One who means it!!!

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 24, 1986

Listen Fuckhead,

Whats with the Eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies??? Some
of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids,
gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23
birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope youre
satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!

I hate your guts, dumbshit,

Agnes

Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
December 26, 1986

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift Twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you
no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are
advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared
through this office.

I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution have
instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a
warrant for your arrest.

Seasons Greetings,

J. Frank Cahole
Attorney

(Forwarded by an English buddy who lives in Scotland)

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whiskey).

How do you find the English students, Donald? she asked.

Mother, he replied, theyre such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and wont stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.

Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?

Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.