Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Your screen door has no screen.

Your biggest ambition in live is to git that big ole coon. The one what hangs round over yonder, backah Bubbas barn…

Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Your grandfather completely executes the pull my finger trick at the family reunion.

When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

You have a house thats mobile and five cars that arent.

Your gene pool doesnt have a deep end.

En una de esas ocasiones en la que los soldados se reportan con sus superiores, el soldado Manolo informa:

Mi cabo, no cabo en la cama.

El cabo, enojado, le grita:

¡Estúpido, no se dice cabo se dice quepo!

Mi quepo, no cabo en la cama.

Estaban un francés, un alemán y un tontilandés reunidos tratando de ver cual de sus esposas era la más pendeja.

El francés:

Oui, mi esposa es la más pendeja. Ella mandó construir una alberca en la casa y ni siquiera sabe nadar.

El alemán:

No, la más pendeja es mi esposa; se compró un Mercedes y ni siquiera sabe manejar.

El de Tontilandia:

Joder, que la más pendeja es mi esposa, imagínense que se va a ir en un crucero al Caribe por una semana con 2 amigas y compró 3 cajas de condones… ¡Y ni siquiera tiene pito!

Q: What do you call two guys hanging on a wall by a window?

A: Kurt and Rod

No mans credit is as good as his money.

The FBI finally came back with the DNA results.

Clinton was a perfect match.

So was all of Arkansas.

A gay Jewish boy phones home, and tells his momma that he wants to go back into the closet. The reason being that he has met a wonderful girl and they are to be married.

He adds that he knows this will come as a huge relief to her, as his gay lifestyle had been a source of much distress for her.

Of course Momma is over the moon, and wants to start making wedding plans immediately!

Then after a pause, she ventures I suppose its too much to hope that the girl is also Jewish?

He replies, yes Momma, she is Jewish, and whats more, is from a very wealthy and respectable Beverly Hills family.

Momma is beside herself! And what is the name of this wonderful girl?

And the son replies,

Monica Lewinsky.

There is a looooong pause. Then Momma asks,

Whatever happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?

Seen on the back of a Japanese car:

Buy American
Fuck Quality and Price

Two hippies were waiting at the bus stop along with a nun with her leg in
a cast. The first hippie asked Sister, how did you break you leg? I
slipped in the bathtub. The second hippie asked the first Whats a bathtub?
How should I know, Im not Catholic!

Bill Kennedy {cbosgd | ihnp4!petro | sun!texsun!rrm}!ssbn!bill

Lifes a test – and youre graded on a curve

At age 4, success is…not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is…having friends.
At age 16, success is…having a drivers license.
At age 20, success is…having sex.
At age 35, success is…having money.
At age 50, success is…having money.
At age 60, success is…having sex.
At age 70, success is…having a drivers license.
At age 75, success is…having friends.
At age 90, success is…not peeing in your pants.