A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 oclock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump.

Ill take that bet, the blonde replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.

No, a bets a bet, the blonde replies, I owe you $50 dollars.

The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies No, you dont understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out.

Thats okay, the blonde replies, I saw it earlier too, but I didnt think hed do it again.

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back Revelation 3:20 and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.

Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.

Genesis 3:10: And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself.

Dos gañanes del barrio bravo de Tepito, en la Ciudad de México, se encuentran en la calle:

Chale mi Mai ¿por qué vienes todo madreado?

Ni te cuento, pinche Portugal, fíjate que ayer, como todas las mañanas, pos me salí a ver a quien me chingaba saliendo del cajero ¿no? En eso que veo un güerito que se notaba que acababa de sacar una feria en efe, y que le tiro una de mis famosas patadas voladoras y que la esquiva, y que le tiro un madrazo al cuello y que se agacha el muy méndigo.

Chale Portugal, ¿pos qué era karateka el güey?

¡Órale, pos yo creo que sí!

¿Pero y pos por qué estás todo madreado?

Pérate carnal, luego de esquivar mis golpes, que me agarra del brazo el muy jijo, y que me hace manita de puerco y que me pone una madriza de miedo; yo ni las manitas podía poner…

Boinas carnal ¿y luego?

Pos que me patea la cara, el cuerpo, ¡Todo! Y me puso como me ves maestro, y pa’ acabarla de chingar, ¡¡¡que me mete el pito en la boca!!!

Cámara Portugal ¡Ahí te lo hubieras chingado! ¡Se lo hubieras mordido, güey!

Chale Mai, no podía ¿sabes por qué?

¿Por qué carnal?

¡Pos porque era el mío!

* One Star Hangover



No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a huge steak and a side of gravy fries.



** Two Star Hangover No pain.



Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee/coca-cola you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a Bacon & Egg McMuffin combo (with orange juice!!!).Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing the internet and writing junk e-mails.



*** Three Star Hangover Slight headache.



Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86d you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. Youve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Vs and a litre of diet coke – yet you havent peed once!



**** Four Star Hangover Life sucks.



Your head is throbbing and you cant speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that cant hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars) your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High 76.



***** Five Star Hangover AKA Dantes 4th Circle of Hell.



You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cubical Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pour and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners on your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Youd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesnt even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog/cat has just died because you look so pathetic.



You should have called in sick because, lets face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state -which is a mystery to you because you definitely dont remember who you were with, where you were, or what you drank. The only thing you can do is pass out. Its when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza,an order of KFC, a ham and cheese toastie and a batch of rice krispie treats.

From Reuters News Service:

Canadas Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.

America OnLine: An organization
set up to give Internetters someone to make ethnic jokes about.

I just read this in Playboy:

Bill Gates is at this party and it lasts to past 1am and like all
computer people who stay up late he gets hungry. He says, Hey! How about
us calling out for pizza? The people he is with are somewhat taken aback
(he has all these bucks, shouldnt he have some more class), but agree.
So he calls the take out pizza place. He comes back crestfallen. They
dont deliver after 1am. he says. His friends say, Uhhh, Bill, you
forgot. You have all this MONEY. How much is that pizza worth to you?
Bill stands there a minute then says, Ill call again. He picks up the
phone and gets them on the line and says, This is Bill Gates and its
worth $252 for you to bring me pizza. He got his pizza FAST.

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb. About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, Dont you think its time we told him he was adopted?

An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation.

I dont have one, she said. Well then, are you a friend of the groom? I should say not, snapped the woman, Im the brides mother!