Old and New Jokes

Redmond, WA — Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe
magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product
for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for
money, recalls Gates. I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden
opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial
monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I
had my limo driver run over him several times.
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates
vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and
needy situation works, says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu.
Except for the fact that theyre stinking rich.
Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At
random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could
spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal.
(This is a little lie, admits software engineer Adam Miller, since our
diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesnt embellish
a little?) The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of
change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the users bank
account to Microsofts. The user can also respond No, in which case the
program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The No button has
not yet been implemented.
Were experiencing a little trouble programming the No button, Bernard
Liu says, but we should definitely have it up and running within the
next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out.
Maybe.
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either
takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which
will clean up your Windows for a dollar. (When Microsoft Squegee Guy
ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle
Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.
Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my
drift, says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison.
I mean, in the future, we wont need laptop computers asking you for
change. Youll have an entire network of machines asking you for money.
Gates responded with, I know what you are, but what am I? General
pandemonium then ensued.

A Blonde came home one day from work and found her boyfriend in bed with another woman. She was so devastated that she grabbed the gun out of the dresser drawer and put it up to her head threatening to commit sucide.

The boyfriend in shock screams, No honey dont do it, I am so sorry! Then the blonde says, Shut up! Youre next!

After a two-year long study, The National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corporate Americas recreational preferences:

The sport of choice for male unemployed or incarcerated individuals is BASKETBALL
The sport of choice for male maintenance level employees is BOWLING
The sport of choice for male front-line workers is FOOTBALL
The sport of choice for male supervisors is BASEBALL
The sport of choice for male middle management is TENNIS
The sport of choice for male corporate officers is GOLF.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldnt help noticing how beautiful Johns roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his moms thoughts, John volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates. About a week later, Julie came to John and said, Ever since your mother came to dinner, Ive been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You dont suppose she took it, do you? Julie said, Well, I doubt it, but Ill write her a letter just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, Im not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and Im not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: Dear Son, Im not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and Im not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.

One day, she went to his parents house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

She asks the boy, What are they doing? He says: Theyre making love.

Well, whats that long thing hes sticking in there? She asked. Oh, uh, thats his rope, he answered.

Well, what are those two round things on the other end? she asked. He says, Those are his knots. She says, Oh, ok, I got it.

As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, I want you to make love to me the way those animals were. Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.

While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes. Whoa, what are you doing?! he shouts.

The girl innocently replies, Im untying the knots so Ill get more rope!

Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to push the button in case of nuclear attack?
Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?
Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?
Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wifes half sister?
Which president called his mistress Pookie?
Which president married a woman who hadnt yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an adulterer during his re-election campaign?
Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbors wife while he was engaged to someone else?
Which president had a torrid affair with the first ladys personal secretary?
Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet – at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?
Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the *other* president who did the same in a closet? (The one from Question 9)?
Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more impressive (i.e. numerous) than the Presidents?
Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his penis (which he named Jumbo)?

 
 
 
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ANSWERS

John F. Kennedy
Bill Clinton
Lyndon B. Johnson
Thomas Jefferson
Bill Clinton
Andrew Jackson
George Washington, Lyndon B. Johnson
Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy
Warren G. Harding
John F. Kennedy
Lyndon B. Johnson
Lyndon B. Johnson

A2: Buy her another beer.

In tough situations you ask yourself, What would Curly do?

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are Play Ball…

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say…

WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?

Translated:* What did you catch me at?

IM NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.

Translated:* No one will ever see us alive again.

WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.

Translated:* I make the messes; she cleans them up.

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.

The young man said I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning! He then continues and says it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly.

The uncle says with a confused look Um son we dont have a cow…We have a bull!