Missed ya last week, Jim. Where were ya? asked Bob, the longtime fishing buddy.

Oh, I couldnt make it out to the lake. My wife had a baby!

Oh, how big was it?

Five pounds, eight ounces.

Damn, hardly worth the bait!

Four guys are flying to Japan in their own jet. Ones a Texan, ones a Mexican, ones is a French man, and the other is an Englishman. A radio transmission says to throw out all the luggage because there is too much weight to land. So they do. Then they get another transmission that says three will have to jump out because there is still too much weight. So the French man goes to the door and says. Viva Le France. and he jumps. The Englishman says, Long live the King. and he jumps out. So the Texan and the Mexican go to the door. They look at each other, and the Texan grabs the Mexican and throws him out the door and says, Remember the Alamo!

Theres white out on the monitor.

Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box.

It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; dont despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what its like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new grey hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didnt live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other peoples bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!

Should you decide to send this to a friend; you might brighten someones day!

You have been Tagged by the Blue Man!!!

Which means you are a great friend!!

If this is sent to you it means you are a good friend!!!!!

Good Luck!

Jack Gremillion tells of the minister who parked in a no-parking zone and left this note on his windshield: I have circled this block 10 times. I have an appointment to keep. Forgive us our trespasses. When he returned to his car, this reply was attached to a parking ticket: Ive circled this block for 10 years. If I dont give you a ticket, I lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.

Picky, picky, picky.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Beauty is only shell deep.
When you ask whats wrong, they say nothing.
Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
Always turning simple statements into big productions.
Smalltalk is important.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly its wrong.
They make you take the garbage out.
Miss a period and they go wild

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: Oh, I see your attorney lost the case! The defendant answered, No, we won.

Clinton should be proud. He has done more in six months than Jimmy Carter in four years.

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have always taken care of that… With a DuPont administration, the power of the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need changing.

What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic?

Snap-on tools!