Knock Knock
Whos there?
Halibut!
Halibut who?
Haliburt a kiss sweetheart!

What is white and flies across the sky?

The coming of the Lord.

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients.

The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyers name.

One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying, Thats the first time Ive ever had a lawyer buy the balls.

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you? says the bartender.

Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!

Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house.

So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.

If you dont mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?

I told her Ive had enough and I want a divorce!

Good for you! You said the right thing.

So what did you say to your best friend?

Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said…

…BAD DOG!

One day there was this boy that was walking up and had to take a SHIT so he droped his pants and started then he saw a police man and poled up his pants police man said whats under the hat the boy said a rabite the police man saide can i see him the boy said no the police man saide why not the said if i lift up the hat the rabite will hope a way then the police man saide how bout if you lift up the hat ill jump on the buuny the boy said ok the boy lifted up the hat and the police man jumped on the shit and the boy said DAM THAT RABIT MUST OF TOKE A SHIT AND HOLED ASS.

(Disclaimer–Some of this stuff is illegal.)
*Take his nightstick and play whack-a-mole with his head *Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to “spice up” your takeout * *Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself. *When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say “I thought you had to be physically fit to be a cop.”*Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book. *Ask if his bullet-proof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting.*Ask him if you can take his squad car out for a joy-ride. *When he ask you for your licence say, “Oh sure officer, I could reach it if youd hold my beer.” *Explain speeding with, “See officer, I was driving along when I droped my bag of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot against the gas pedal.”*Lie on the ground and aks him to draw your outline in chalk. *Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school instead.*Ask him if his badge is made of chocolate. *Try to bribe him with chucky cheese tokens.*Try to bribe him with one-dollar bills. When he declines, remind him that “with 10-10-220 you can get all calls up to twenty minutes for 99 cents.” *Pay all ticket fines with pennies. *Ask him how many donuts he can eat in one minute. Ask him to prove it.*When you spot some cops with a radar gun pull over, show them a hair dryer and yell, “Ive got one too!” *Say to him, “Dont chek the trunk. Nope, nothing in there. Scouts honor.” *When he asks you to explain why you were going so fast, tell him that you were going to Dunkin Donuts and you know hell understand.*When the cop is talking to you, ignore him and roll your window up and down while looking amazed that it does that. *Ask him what he is doing out so late.*Ask him if you can play cops and robbers *Call his dog Admiral, regardless of what its real name is.*Throw the cops nightstick and tell Admiral to go fetch. *Tell him that the wee little leprechans made you do it. *Ask him if he can make strobes with his police lights.*When he tries to open the door taunt him by locking the door when he tries to open it,then unlocking it when he looks away.Repeat this several times.*Paint flames on the side of his squad car. *Paint flames on the side of his uniform.*When he walks up to your car-put your hands on your face and mutter “If I dont see you I cant get a ticket.”*Throw cans of Spam at him.*When he tells you to put your hands on the hood, walk to his car and put your hands on his hood. *Say to him “Darn, officer you must of been going fast to keep up with me!!” *Tell him you were testing to law of perpetual motion when the escape vector was off causing Philbins law to take effect… *Tell him he shouldve been on a pony so you couldve outran him.* When he walks up to you have the radio full blast, look forward without saying a word and breathe in and out very loudly. * When he ask you to walk the straight line, “Riverdance” instead. * When he ask you to say your alphabet backwords count backwards from ten instead.*When he asks you to touch your nose, poke yourself in the eye and start acting like Curly from the Three Stooges.*Keep his pen. *If they put you in the back of the squad car, sing “Mary Had a Little Lamb” loudly and obnoxiously over and over all the way to the Police Dept. *Say “Could you tighten these cuffs? My hands dont hurt yet.”*Instead of pleading the fifth admendment plead the 13th or the 18th Instead.Bonus points if you can do any of these without getting hit over the head with a nightstick. Double bonus if you can do all of these without getting the death penalty.

My grandma spread lard all over my grandads back. Sadly, after that, he went downhill very quickly.

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to

appear for a minor traffic summons.

He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

WHAT FOR?!?!? he snapped at the judge.

The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: Twenty dollars contempt of court! Thats why!

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:

Thats all right. You dont have to pay now.

The guy replied…

I know – Im just seeing if I have enough for 2 more words!

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.

On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and active low signals didnt yet exist.)

On the second day, Gods boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasnt. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reinstalling the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign! And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that new and improved wouldnt do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with add and logical shift instructions. And the original bit discovered that — by performing a single shift instruction — it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said Forget that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply. And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasnt worked right since.

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Dont imagine you can change a man – unless hes in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him youre not his type – you have a pulse.
Never let your mans mind wander. Its too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators cant dance or buy drinks.
Never sleep with a man whos named his penis.
Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women dont make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldnt ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books youre interested in, tell him checkbooks.
A mans idea of serious commitment is usually oh alright, Ill stay the night.
Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldnt even bother to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if youre faking it tell him no, youre just practicing.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if hes your first, tell him you may be … you do look familiar.