Archive for March, 2019

Want a Job?

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Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant, named Calle. It seems that Calle has a chronic illness which requires daily medication. The zoo people couldnt get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed a suppository for her.

The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame, California.

Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT ALL THIS MEANS?

It means that five people have jobs worse than yours!

Now stop complaining and get back to work.

An Engineer and a Princess

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Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, If
you kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the
frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week. The boy took the frog
out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, Ill
stay with you and do anything you want. Again the boy took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, What is the matter? Ive told you Im a beautiful
princess, that Ill stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why wont
you kiss me?

The boy said, Look, Im a software engineer, I dont have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.

The beloved old man.

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Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

There once was an old man who was loved by everyone in the town where he lived. When he died, they buried him at a scenic location along a river.

A few days later there was a great rain storm and the river flood coffin was carried along the river in to the town. The casket flowed down the street past the supermarket and the school all the way into the pharmacy. It slid right in to the pharmacy and onto the counter. The lid popped open and the old man sat up and asked the pharmacist, Do you have anything to stop this coffin?

Dumb and dumber

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Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Its
a nasty day, and a guy gets pulled over for speeding.
The cop says, "Isnt it kind of dumb to be driving
so fast in this storm?"
The driver says, "Whos dumb? Youre the one
whos standing out in the rain."

Short Borg jokes (Star Trek) (Your jokes are too funny. You will be assimilated. Your piece de resistance is useless.)

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Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Two Borg walk into a bar. One Borg says to the other, Did you hear about that city that was burned down in Argentina?

The other Borg replies, Yeah, just goes to show you; Resistencia is fusil.

A Borg was walking down a country road when he saw a donkey in a field nearby. Climbing over the fence, he pulled out his hand weapon, prayed loudly, and disintegrated the creature.

The farmer who lived there ran out the door. What in the world was that?

Why, said the Borg, What else? Ass immolation.

Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship: Blonde Borgs have the same fun.

Happy Borg: &>

Sad Borg: &< Locutus: ;| Drunk or Stoned Borg: #) Borg on Acid: @)

  • McBorg – Over Half a billion assimilated.
  • Borger King – you will have it _our_ way. Special orders are irrevelant.
  • FROM BARNEY THE BORG: We are we, we are we. Resistance is futility.

All in a Days Work

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Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

This one was recently reprinted in The Winneconne (WI) News, and was
originally attributed to Byron McNutt of the Vilas County News Review.


A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the
mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guardrail,
rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames. There
were no injuries.

You Know Youre A Mother When…

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Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

You use your own saliva to clean your childs face.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

Your kid throws up and you catch it.

Someone elses kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.

Youve mastered the art of placing large quantities of
pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.

Your child insists that you read Once Upon a Potty out loud
in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since its the only one your
child eats.

You cant bear the thought of your sons first girlfriend.

You find yourself cutting your husbands sandwiches into cute
shapes.

You cant bear to give away baby clothes – its so final.

You hear your mothers voice coming out of your mouth when
you say, NOT in your good clothes!

You count the sprinkles on each kids cupcake to make sure
theyre equal.

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You donate to charities in the hope that your child wont get
that disease.

You hire a sitter because you havent been out with your
husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the
kids.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

You say at least once a day, Im not cut out for this job,
but you know you wouldnt trade it for anything.

Knock Knock Whos there? Felix! Felix who? Felix-cited all

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Poza publicata in [ Knock-knock ]

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Felix!
Felix who?
Felix-cited all over!

What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?

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Poza publicata in [ Blonde ]

What do you call a zit on a blondes ass? Brain tumor.

Mi madre me ense moral:

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Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Mi madre me enseñó moral:

No se pegue a su prima Pancha.

Mi madre me enseñó religión:

Mejor pídele a Dios que tu padre no se entere.

Mi madre me enseñó patriotismo:

No se pase el retrato del Libertador por el trasero.

Mi madre me enseñó a preguntar:

Pregúntale a tu padre con quien me monta cacho.

Mi madre me enseñó historia:

¿Quien le puso una cinta adhesiva a su padre en la entrepierna?