Old and New Jokes

Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates cant even spell lightbulbe, eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other candidates families think about lightbulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and asks, Is this some kind of joke?

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. There might be some matches in the top drawer, she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. Is this your husband? he inquired nervously.

No, silly, she replied, snuggling up to him. Your boyfriend then? he asked.

No, not at all, she said, nibbling away at his ear.

Well, who is he then? demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, Thats me before the operation.

Un señor va a donde un sacerdote para confesarse y le dice: Padre,deseo confesarme con usted. Me siento muy mal porque le tengo fobia a las mujeres,y cada vez que veo una,la agarro a golpes.

El sacerdote le dice: Bueno, hijo mío, lo importante es que estés arrepentido. Yo no te voy a hacer rezar padres nuestros, sólo debes hacer lo siguiente: apenas salgas a la calle, le das 50 dólares a la primera mujer que veas y de esa forma serás perdonado.

El señor sale a la calle y en una esquina ve a una mujer, se le acerca y le entrega 50 dólares. La mujer pone cara de sorprendida y le dice: Oiga señor, que se ha creído, son 100 dólares.

¡Pero el sacerdote me dijo que le diera 50 dólares!

¡Es que debe usted saber que el sacerdote es cliente antiguo!

Un hombre entra a un bar y se dirige a un cliente:

Hola, buenas, ¿es suyo el perro que está atado ahí fuera?

Si, es mío, ¿por qué?

Pues porque mi gato lo ha matado.

¿Cómo? ¡Eso es imposible, si mi perro es un rottweiler gigantesco!

Ya… y mi gato es hidráulico.

There once were three men who were in an air balloon and the Japanese man said, Lets throw whatever you have in your pockets out of the balloon.

The other two men agreed and the Chinese man goes and throws a penny off of the balloon and sees a girl on the ground crying, so he says, Whats wrong little girl?

The girl says, A penny hit me in the head from the sky.

The Japenese man goes next, and he throws off a quarter and sees a little girl on the ground crying so he goes down and says, Little girl, why are you crying?

She says, A quarter hit me in my head from the sky.

The mexican goes last and he throws off a bomb and sees a little boy laughing really hard. Curious, he goes down to the little boy and asks, Little boy, why are you laughing?, and the lil boy says I farted and my house blew up.

THE END

Documentation is like sex: When its good, its fantastic, when its bad…

The only problem we have in this city is the secret police. If there is
any gambling, narcotics, or prostitution, its a secret to them.

Jill tells her husband, Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.

Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why cant you do that?

Gosh, Jack says, why I hardly know the girl!

One day a man came home from work to find total chaos in the house. The kids were laying outside in the mud, still in their pajamas, and empty food boxes were on the kitchen counter.

When he opened the door, he found an even bigger mess: dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table and a pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.

He was becoming worried that she might be ill or that something terrible had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day had gone. He looked at her, bewildered, and asked, What happened here today?

She again smiled and answered, You know, every day, you come home from work and ask me what I did today.

Yes was his reply.

She answered, Well, today, I didnt do it!