Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
London hotels staff and one of its guests. The London hotel
involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.


WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE FREE SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank
you,
S. Berman


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Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap
dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your
way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should
change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my
instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid


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Dear Maid — I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
own bath-size Dial so I wont need those 6 little Camays which are on
the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman


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Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were
in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your
Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your
convenience. I didnt remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are
always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and
which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please
let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty


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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper


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Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 745 AM and dont get back before 530 or 6PM. Thats the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman


———————————————————————-

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper


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Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my
room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman


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Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our
maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a
room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my
apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager


———————————————————————-


Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I dont want 54 little bars
of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize
I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman


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Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing
so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken
and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I dont
know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid,
Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24
Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I dont know where you got the idea
this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some
bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper


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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory.

As of today I possess:

– On shelf under medicine cabinet – 18 Camay in 4 stacks of
4 and 1 stack of 2.
– On Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 3.
– On bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1
stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
– Inside medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
– In shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.
– On northeast corner of tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
– On northwest corner of tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of
more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom
window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future
soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of
bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to
avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman

Its career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parent would do if they were here today.

Little Rodney stands up and says, My father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T-A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook.

Good Rodney says the teacher, how about you, Jimmy?

Jimmy stands up and stammers, My father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no … L-E-C-K-… no …

The teacher interrupts, Never mind Jimmy, sit down, how about you Johnny?

Johnny stands up and says, My dads a bookie, thats B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today hed give you ten to one odds that theres no way Jimmys ever gonna spell electrician!

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beerhall.

One of them says, Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick.

How did you get it fixed?

Well I just dipped my finger in the cows vagina and rubbed it all over the bulls nose and he got right after her.

Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cows vagina and rubs it all around the bulls nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.

That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and cant get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wifes vagina and feeling that its nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, Honey, look!

She rolls over, turns on the light and says, You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?

….and Buddha walked up to the hot dog vendor and said, Make me One with Everything.

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
brings up the subject of sex.
Just how do you guys do it? asks Maureen. Pretty much the way
you do, responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. Hes got only a teeny,
weeny member – about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
I dont think this is going to work, says Maureen.
Why? he asks, Whats the matter?
Well, she replies, Its just not long enough to reach me!
No problem, he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
its quite impressively long.
Well, she says, Thats quite impressive, but its still pretty
narrow…. No problem, he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
Wow! she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks Well, was it any good?
I hate to say it, says Maureen, but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?
It was horrible, he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears.

THERE WAS this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and
jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked in the mirror and was
admiring his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the
exception of his PENIS which he readily decided to do something about.

He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand,
except for his penis, which he left sticking out!

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane.
Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it
around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady.

There really is no justice in this world.

The other little old lady said, what do you mean?

The first old lady said, Look at that. . . When I was 20 I was curious about
it; when I was 30 I enjoyed it; when I was 40 I asked for it; when I was 50
I paid for it; when I was 60 I prayed for it; when I was 70 I forgot about it,
and now that Im 80 the damn things are growing wild–and Im too old to squat!

Really Stupid People

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth — if you lie, you disappear.

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.

The brunette goes first.

I think Im the smartest woman on earth.

POOF! She disappears. The redhead goes up to try.p>I think Im the prettiest woman on earth.

POOF! She disappears.

The blonde goes up.

I think–

POOF!

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. Man, that guy is stupid I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and heres why.
I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. Thats 76 miles, of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. Thats 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper-to-bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, thats 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That is 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, thats 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, thats 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, thats 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and the number is increasing.

That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldnt DREAM of flipping her off.

Un espermatozoide se encuentra perdido en el cuerpo humano. Al llegar a los pulmones les pregunta: ¿Cuál es su función?

Aquí purificamos todo el aire que entra por la nariz y la boca.

Triste, el espermatozoide prosigue su camino. Llega a los riñones y les pregunta: Señores, ¿cuál es su función?

Aquí drenamos todos los líquidos que se toman y aprovechamos los buenos; los demás los desechamos por medio de la orina.

Una vez más prosigue su camino. Llega al hígado y le pregunta: Señor, ¿cuál es su función?

Mira hijo, todos los corajes que hacen a mí me parten la madre.

Perdón señor, no se enoje, y prosigue su camino.

Ya desesperado y triste, el espermatozoide llega al corazón y le pregunta: Señor ¿cuál es su función?

Bueno, pues yo palpito…

Alegrándose, el espermatozoide le interrumpe:

Me lleva, yo voy para allá.