1. Your boss is always yelling, I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!



2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.



3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.



4. Id love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.



5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.



6. You want to see if its like the dream.



7. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add Exotic Dancer to your exaggerated resume.



8. People stop stealing your pens after theyve seen where you keep them.



9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.



10. Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.



11. No one steals your chair anymore.

A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves. Well, how much does a brain cost? asked the relatives. For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000, replied the doctor. Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patients daughter was unsatisfied and asked, Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains? Standard pricing practice, said the doctor. Womens brains have to be marked down because theyve actually been used.

Un platillo volador desciende en un vecindario; tocan a la puerta de la casa de un gangoso:

¿Quié esg?, pregunta con su voz nasal.

Venimos de Marte, responden los extraterrestres.

¿De marte de quié?, pregunta a su vez el gangoso.

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

How are we faring? asks the king.



Sire, replies the knight, I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west.



What?! shrieks the king. I dont have any enemies to the west!



Oh, says the knight. Well, you do now.

AOL announced another rate increase today moving the ulimited access rate up too $23.90/month. Thought this joke was appropriate to celebrate the occassion.

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later… and later… and later… and oh forget it.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim its the NEW model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just lock-up for no apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair, but theyd be available 24 hours a day to screw up your car!

14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age? Car wouldnt come with profile feature… oh no!

18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are. Some compacts would claim to be limos.

20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, Good-Bye.

B. J.

Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesnt appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you are angry with him/her.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though theyre sure youre not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

Pre-natal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first babys dummy by boiling it and to your last babys dummy by blowing on it.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pyjamas.

Two-Minute Warning: When the babys face turns red and he/she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: To whine in words.

Whodunnit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Why do you need only two pallbearers at a lawyers funeral?
There are only two handles on a garbage can.

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, Im afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.

So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy? asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, Tiddles legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven.

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: Mommy almost died this morning.

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!

Well, mumbled Lucy, soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, Oh Jesus!!! Im coming, Im coming!!! and if it hadnt been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy.

Three old men were sitting on a porch."I wish I could take a healthy piss," said one."I wish I could take a healthy crap," said another."I can take a crap at 6 AM and a piss at 11 AM. I just wish I could get up before noon."