Documentation is like sex: When its good, its fantastic, when its bad…

The only problem we have in this city is the secret police. If there is
any gambling, narcotics, or prostitution, its a secret to them.

Jill tells her husband, Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.

Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why cant you do that?

Gosh, Jack says, why I hardly know the girl!

One day a man came home from work to find total chaos in the house. The kids were laying outside in the mud, still in their pajamas, and empty food boxes were on the kitchen counter.

When he opened the door, he found an even bigger mess: dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table and a pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.

He was becoming worried that she might be ill or that something terrible had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day had gone. He looked at her, bewildered, and asked, What happened here today?

She again smiled and answered, You know, every day, you come home from work and ask me what I did today.

Yes was his reply.

She answered, Well, today, I didnt do it!

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux. The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means bite the wax tadpole or female horse stuffed with wax depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, ko-kou-ko-le, which can be loosely translated as happiness in the mouth. In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan Come alive with the Pepsi Generation came out as Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead. Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan finger-lickin good came out as eat your fingers off. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, Salem – Feeling Free, got translated in the Japanese market into When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty. When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that no va means it wont go. After the company figured out why it wasnt selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe. Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for tiny male genitals. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say It wont leak in your pocket and embarrass you. However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word embarazar meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant. An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Popes visit. Instead of the desired I Saw the Pope in Spanish,

$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not. $ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. $ If he goes to see a movie, itll cost him $7.00, but hell make $18,550 while hes there. $ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, hell make $618 while boiling it. $ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. $ Hell make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. $ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. $ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. $ Hell probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. $ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. $ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. $ Hell make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. $ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, hell pull in about $5600. $ This year, hell make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isnt it? However… $ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, hell still have less than Bill Gates has today. $$$ Game over. Nerd wins.

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, Well thats great, just great! Some assholes got my pen!

Santa goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, What is that shiny object?
The clerk replies, That is a thermos flask. Santa then asks, What does it do?
The clerk responds, It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold. Santa says, I ll take it!

The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His sardar boss sees him and asks, What is that shiny object with you?
He said, It s a thermos flask.
The boss then says, What does it do?
He replies, It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
The boss said, Wow, what do you have in it?Santa replies, Two cups of coffee and a coke.

1) You define summer as three months of bad sledding.

2) You think alkaline batteries were named for a tiger outfielder.

3) Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six-pack of beer and a bucket of smelt.

4) Owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your hometown.

5) You know how to play euchre.

6) The big mac is something you drive across.

7) You bake with soda and you drink pop.

8) You drive 76 on the highway and pass on the right.

9) Your Little League baseball game was snowed out.

10) You learned to drive a boat before you learned to ride a bicycle.

11) You know how to pronounce "Mackinac".

12) You occasionally cheer "Go Lions — and take the Tigers with you."

13) The word "thumb" has a geographical rather than an anatomical definition.

14) You have ever experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.

15) You expect Vernors when you order ginger ale.

16) You know that Kalamazoo not only actually exists, but that it  isnt very far from Hell.

17) Your favorite holiday are Christmas, Thanksgiving and the first day of deer season (for which schools are officially closed).

18) Your snowmobile and fishing boat have a big block Chevy engine.

19) At least one member in your family disowns you for the week of the Michigan vs. Michigan State football game.

20) Your year has two seasons, winter and construction.

21) You know what a millage is.

22) Travelling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon.

23) Half the change in your pocket is Canadian.

24) You can identify an Ohio accent.

25) You show people where you grew up by pointing to your right hand.

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washingtons ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?

Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did, advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Clinton asked.

Cut taxes and reduce the size of government, advised Tom.

Clinton didnt sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincolns ghost. Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Clinton asked.

Go to the theatre.