According to my calculations, the problem doesnt exist.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.

A gentleman by the name of Borris goes to see a Rabbi.


Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.


Whats wrong? Asked the Rabbi


Borris replied, My wife is poisoning me.


The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, How can that be?


Borris then pleads, Im telling you, Im certain shes poisoning me, what should I do?


The Rabbi then offers, Tell you what. Let me talk to her, Ill see what I can find out and Ill let you know.


A week later the Rabbi calls Borris and says, Well, I have spoken to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?


Borris anxiously says, Yes.


Take the poison, says the Rabbi.

I give all of these people a DUH! – DOH! – & Woo-hoo!

HANDS-DOWN WINNER OF THE IDIOT CORPORATION AWARD! AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. (Let that be a lesson to him!)

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up. (No one ever said you had to be smart to be a cop.)

NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS PLANNED OUT WELL…NOT! An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account. (Maybe he should have pretended to have a brain!)

WHEN YOU THINK YOURE HAVING A BAD DAY…READ THIS Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowners newly installed fire prevention alarm system. This is even worse than last year, said the distraught homeowner, when someone broke in and stole my new security system… (…hmmm, could this be the Illinois guy?)

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CONSIDER A DEDICATED CROOK! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. (Wonder if he paid himself time and 1/2 for the overtime?)

I WANNA BE A BRAIN SURGEON WHEN I GROW UP! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. (After his hospital stay, he was immediately enrolled in law school!)

FOOT IN MOUTH…UP TO THE KNEE! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldnt control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, Give me all your money or Ill shoot, the man shouted, Thats not what I said! (Turns out, the witness was Blonde and didnt pick him!)

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Banks should keep Monopoly money on hand for these bright crooks.)

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the familys only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her. How could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, Ive seen all and know the reason for your despair. However, if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you.

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right.

And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.

The young son replied, Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?

And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, Why not THIRTY times in a row?

Finally, she said, Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.

Then the young son asked, Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row wont kill you like it did the cow?

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?

The little boy nodded yes.

So, the coach continued, when a strike is called, or youre out at first, you dont argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

Good, said the coach. Now go over there and explain it to your mother.

(via Aiken Drum, Rodney & Cathy, HorridScopes)

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)Physical properties: Solid at roomtemperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable toconduct electricity as easily as young samples.Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WOany chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomesexplosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.Usage: None known. Possibly good methanesource. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.Caution: In the absence of WO, this elementrapidly decomposes and begins to smell.Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (dont even go there!)Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremelygood catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducingagent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperiencedhands.

Because he doesnt want anyone to know hes screwing chickens.

Heres the last installment of politically correct TV shows coming up in the fall TV season, complete with ratings supplied by Big Brother (offensive to the politically correct, the Clintons, AIDS, Branch Davidians, etc.):

Saturday nights shows:

Robert Reichs Money World (formerly Adam Smiths Money World): Top-down income distribution programs that really work.

Ratings: S/MU, WW, ALG.

[Robert Reich is President Clintons liberal Secretary of Labor.]

Sunday Night at the Movies:

The Program: In this new version of the 1993 Disney release, a down-on-his-luck coach (James Caan) gets the best effort possible from his talented-but-cocky players in a charity badminton match to benefit pediatric AIDS. Edited for TV.

Ratings: S/MU, RPSE.

Saturday Nite Lite:

Host: Reformed comedian Andrew Nice Clay.

Skits include humorous look at rehab clinics, an adolescent Nice Clay being picked on by the school bully, Branch Davidians as victims of second-hand smoke.

Musical guest: Recovering addict Roger Clinton.

Ratings: S/MU, PCMM.

Ratings key:

S/MU: spiritual or moral uplift;

ISS: implied safe sex;

WW: win-win solution to intractable social disease or problem;

ALG: ameliorated liberal guilt;

VATCOT: violence avoided through court-ordered therapy;

PCMM: potentially contradictory moral message;

RPSE: reinforcement of positive self-esteem.

From the April 1994 issue of Reason magazine. Copyright 1994 by the Reason Foundation, 3415 S.Sepulveda Blvd., Suite 400, Los Angeles,CA 90034.

Top ten names for Ben & Jerrys new Presidential ice cream:

10. Impeach-Mint
9. Candy Pants
8. Hyperactive Nuts
7. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilla
6. Pantsachio
5. Subpoena Colada
4. Horny Bubba Crunch
3. Peppermint Fattie
2. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl

And the #1 name for the new Presidential flavor…

1. Captain Cream