Yo mama has a wooden leg with a kickstand on it.

Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four–One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.

Un chofer que ha manejado muchas horas decide parar al costado del camino para dormir un poco. Apenas ha cerrado los ojos, un corredor que pasa por ahí le golpea la ventana para preguntarle la hora. El tipo abre y todavía somnoliento le dice: Son las 6, cierra la ventana y se vuelve a quedar dormido.

De inmediato le vuelven a tocar, ahora un paletero. ¿Qué quiere? ¿Quiero saber qué hora es? Son las 6:05.

El tipo se vuelve a dormir y ahora una señora le vuelve a tocar la ventanilla: Disculpe que lo moleste, ¿podría darme la hora? ¡SON LAS 6:10!

El tipo coje un plumón y en un cartón escribe: NO TENGO LA HORA, lo pega en la ventanilla y se dispone a dormir tranquilo. Apenas estaba cerrando los ojos cuando alguien le toca de nuevo…

¿Y ahora usted qué quiere?, pregunta furioso.

Nada señor, sólo quería decirle que son las 7 con 15 minutos…

*** NOTE: This joke may be offensive to some.

STOP HERE if you are offended by religious jokes. ***

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.



He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, Where is Jesus today?



Steven raised his hand and said, Hes in heaven.

Mary was called on and answered, Hes in my heart.



Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out –

I know! I know! Hes in our bathroom!!!



The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.



And Little Johnny said, Well…every morning, my father gets up,

bangs on the bathroom door, and yells –

Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?!

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and its a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priests collar and says, So youre a priest. Im a rabbi. Just look at our cars. Theres nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.

The priest replies, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.



The rabbi continues, And look at this. Heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then he hands the bottle to the priest.



The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, Arent you having any?



The rabbi replies, No…I think Ill wait for the police.

Knock Knock



Whos there





See





See who





I See you pee!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Maxwell!
Maxwell who?
Maxwell call later if your not going to answer!

Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but whips and chains excite me.

A couple agreed that whoever died first would come back and inform the other about the after life. The womans biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

The husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. Mary… Mary…

Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed.

Well, what is it like?

Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime.  And, then, I start all over again the next day.

Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven.

Hell no, Mary, Im a rabbit in Kansas.

Lutheran humorist the Rev. Paul Linterns Top 10 pick-up lines for a Christian:

Hi, this pew taken?
My prayers are answered.
Whats a charismatic like you doing in a mainline place like this?
How about we go over to my place for a little devotional?
Hi, angel!
Dont worry, Im attracted to you purely in a spiritual way.
Im Episcopalian. Whats YOUR sign?
I think youre sitting on my Bible.
Read any good Bible passages lately?
So, worship here often?

Taken from clari.news.religion

Copyright: 1994 by The Associated Press