Who is this General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?

One summer, on a Friday afternoon, a young man was being trained by his supervisor on his first day as a salesperson at a large department store. His supervisor was trying to show him the amount of things he could sell to customers by making them feel they needed the items. Watch this, he said and approached a man who has just entered the store. May I help you, sir?



The man replied, I just moved into my first house and I need some fertiliser for my lawn.



So the supervisor said, Well, we have five- and ten-pound bags of fertiliser. I recommend you go with the ten pound bag.



Why is that?



The ten-pound bag will get you through most of the summer, but the five-pound bag wont, the supervisor answered.



Fine, the man agreed, Ill take the ten-pounder. Very good sir. And would you like the stiff rake or the spring-rake with that?



Rake? What do I need that for?



Well sir, said the supervisor authoritatively, if you dont rake up the old dead grass before you spread the fertiliser, it wont all reach the soil.



All right then. Ill get the stiff rake.



Very good sir. And would you like the fixed sprinkler or the oscillating sprinkler with that?



The man started to get a bit steamed and asked harshly, Sprinkler? Look, I just came in here for some fertiliser. What do I need a sprinkler for? Calmly, the supervisor responded, Well sir, if you water your lawn immediately after fertilising, the fertiliser will sink into the soil more quickly and in no time at all, youll have the greenest lawn in your neighbourhood.



This sounded pretty good to the man so he picked up the fixed sprinkler. OK, then. Ill take all this.



Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that, asked the supervisor.



Now the customer had about had it and he all but blew up at the supervisor. LAWNMOWER? Look, all I wanted when I came here was a bag of fertiliser. Youve already managed to sell me a rake and a sprinkler besides. Give me one good reason why I should get a lawnmower, too!



Calm as ever, the supervisor said, Well sir, if you get a lawnmower now, then youll be all ready to start trimming your beautiful green grass the minute it starts getting too long. Your lawn will look like a golf course and youll be the envy of all your neighbours! Besides, they are on sale this week only, and youre going to need it either way.



Well, the man figured that sounded OK and he really wanted to get out of there before he bought anything else so at last he relented. Fine. Ill get the electric mower, but thats it!



Very good sir. Ill ring that up for you.



After the man had left the store with all his new purchases, the supervisor turned to the trainee and said, So, do you think you could do that? The trainee said that he thought he could and the supervisor directed him towards another customer.



The trainee approached the puzzled-looking man and asked, May I help you sir?



The man replied, Yes. I need some tampons for my wife. Well, the trainee is totally thrown off by this request. He cant imagine what he could offer the man to go along with that. However, he wanted to impress his boss so he thought hard. Suddenly, he had it! Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that?



Mower? What the hell is wrong with you? I came in here looking for tampons. Why the hell should I get a lawnmower, too?



Well sir, the trainee answered, I figure your weekend is shot, so you might as well cut the grass.

DENTISTS HYMN: Crown Him with Many Crowns
WEATHERMANS HYMN: There Shall be Showers of Blessing
CONTRACTORS HYMN: The Churchs One Foundation
TAILORS HYMN: Holy, Holy, Holy
GOLFERS HYMN: There is a Green Hill Far Away
POLITICIANS HYMN: Standing on the Promises
OPTOMETRISTS HYMN: Open Mine Eyes that I Might See
I.R.S. HYMN: All to Thee
GOSSIPS HYMN: Pass It On
ELECTRICIANS HYMN: Send the Light
SHOPPERS HYMN: Sweet By and By

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against … get this …fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued…and won! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire, it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judges ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in the fires. After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested … on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!

A nurse from england was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading:Keep off the grass.

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: Sorry, had to mow the lawn.

The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits.

I will not carve gods.

I will not spank others.

I will not aim for the head.

I will not barf unless Im sick.

I saw nothing unusual in the teachers lounge.

I will not conduct my own fire drills.

Funny noises are not funny.

I will not snap bras.

I will not fake seizures.

This punishment is not boring and pointless.

My name is not Dr. Death.

I will not prescribe medication.

I will not bury the new kid.

I will not teach others to fly.

I will not bring sheep to class.

A burp is not an answer.

Teacher is not a leper.

I will not eat things for money.

I will not yell Shes Dead at roll call.

The principals toupee is not a Frisbee.

I will not call the principal spud head.

Goldfish dont bounce.

Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.

No one is interested in my underpants.

I will not sell miracle cures.

I will return the seeing-eye dog.

I do not have diplomatic immunity.

I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

Organ transplants are best left to professionals.

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

I will not skateboard in the halls.

Underwear should be worn on the inside.

The Christmas Pageant does not stink.

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Frida!
Frida who?
Frida be!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jilly!
Jilly who!
Jilly out here, so let me in!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tom Sawyer!
Tom Sawyer who?
Tom Sawyer underwear!

President Bevis, Vice President Butthead
I thought that happened in November of 1992.