The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. This is Capt. Johnson, were on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto.

Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?

Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation.

Well, says the skipper, First Im gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then Im gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. Im gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night.

Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Shes so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag – ***splat *** and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, No need to run dearie, hes got to go for a shit first!

A merchant ordered 500 turkeys for the Christmas season. A few weeks before the holiday, however, his sales dropped sharply.

Afraid that he wouldnt be able to sell all the turkeys, he phoned the distributor and instructed him to Cut my order in half!

When his order arrived, guess what it contained?

Five hundred turkeys, of course, each cut in half!

Its really amazing how easy it is to misunderstand a message and sometimes rather embarassing, but funny!

Three generations of hookers were sitting around the brothel one day

just talking about the business. The youngest one complained, You

know Mom and Grandma, now guys want a blow job and a fuck for $100! I

dont think I can stay in business at those prices.

Her Mom thinks for a while and says, Well dear, in my day we would

give a blow job and for only $25 and we considered ourselves lucky to

get that!

Grandma looks at her daughter and her grandaughter and says, The

both of you dont know what tough times really are. Back during the

depression we used to give blow jobs for free because we were just

glad to get something warm in our stomachs!

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were blondes, what would Cheetah be?

A: The smartest of the three.

A lady was a huge Paul MCCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlour and told the guy what she wanted.

He says: OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart.

She did that and he started on the tattoo. Pretty soon hes done, blows off the dust and admires his work.

Who the hecks that? she says.

Its Paul McCartney, he replies.

Doesnt look like him at all says she. Now get it right or Ill report you.

So the tattooist starts on the other thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. Finally hes done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good.

The woman is pissed off No way thats Paul Mccartney she says.

It bloody well is says the man. Listen Ill get a second opinion

He goes out of his store and grabs the first person he sees. The guy is a drunk whos been stumbling along the sidewalk. The tattooist drags the drunk into his store. Theres the woman, sitting legs apart with nothing on below her waist.

The tattoist says to the drunk (pointing at the womans legs)…

Tell me who the hell you think that is.

The drunk says (in a drunken slur voice), Ive no idea who the people are on her thighs but the guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson!

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the Dirt for Sale sign in the front yard.

Youre still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You dont think Jeffs Foxworthys jokes are funny.

Youve ever been arrested for bootleggin.

You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.

Your idea of good fishing involves the use of a boat, a net and dynamite.

Q: Whats the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesnt!

Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, shell discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them.

Q: How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three–One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an Im the NRA ad while doing so, and one to complain about the waiting period.