A Brief Guide To Religious Philosophies

Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: Shit wont happen if I work harder.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?

Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?

Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.

Hinduism: This shit happened before.

Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: Lets smoke this shit.

What do you get when you cross a Cuban and a Pollock?Ricky Retardo

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner,

Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his

accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87,wanders into the garden. They begin to chat,

and before

they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation Harold turns to Mildred and asks,

Do you know

what I miss most of all?

She asks, What?

SEX! he replies. Mildred exclaims, Why you old fart, you couldnt get

it up if I held a

gun to your head!

I know, Harold says, but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it

for a while.

Well, I can oblige, says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his

manhood and

proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in

the garden

where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harolds manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didnt show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred

decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the

pool with

another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harolds manhood.

Furious, Mildred yelled, You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I

dont have?

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, Parkinsons.

Im glad Im a man, you better believe.

I dont live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese

I dont bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts

I can get where I want to – north, south, east or west

I dont get wasted after only 2 beers

and when I do drink I dont end up in tears.

I wont spend hours deciding what to wear,

I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair

and I dont go around checking my reflection

in everything shiny from every direction.

I dont whine in public and make us leave early

and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

Im glad Im a man, Im so glad I could sing

I dont have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I dont gossip about friends or stab them in the back

I dont carry our differences into the sack.

Ill never go psycho and threaten to kill you

or think every guy out theres trying to steal you.

Im rational, reasonable, and logical too

I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball

Its more fun than dealing with women after all

I wont cry if you figure out its not going to work

I wont remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure

I wont assume its permanent by any measure.

Yes, Im glad Im a man, a man you see

Im glad Im not capable of child delivery

I dont get all bitchy every 28 days

Im glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise

Im a man by chance and Im thankful its true

Im so glad Im a man and not a woman like you!

You might be a redneck if…
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

Two men are talking. The first said, I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes.

Amazing, said the second, I just got divorced for the very same reasons.

Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that shes carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?

A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Q: How many lawyer JOKES are there?

A: Only three — the rest are TRUE.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

A: Skeet.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator.

Q: What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician with a crooked lawyer?

A: Chelsea Clinton.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

A: His partners.

Q: What does a lawyer use for birth control?

A: His personality.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

A: Nothing — There are some things even a pig wont do.

Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

1) The lawyer gets frequent-flyer miles.

2) Removable wing tips.

Q: Whats the difference between God and a lawyer?

A: God doesnt think hes a lawyer.

Q: Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey the most toxic waste sites?

A: New Jersey got first choice.

-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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The Preying Mantis Syndrome

Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, dont seem
very good for survival. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however,
it is a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
again. If he doesnt mate, he doesnt reproduce and that is the end of his
family tree (not that all insects live in trees, mind you). This suicidal
behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome – and many life forms
are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis become
stuck in such a vicious cycle? This is probably what happened beforehand:

The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After some
courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate. The
female mantis, her lust for…lust being satisfied relaxes while the Male raids
the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until the male and
female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the male
establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on
Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, Uh, working-late-at-the-office on Thursdays,
and bowling on Fridays. The female tolerates this to a certain extent, then
files for a divorce. After a long battle, she retires to her alimony-paid
home with a lesson well learned: It simplifies matters tremendously to just
eat him when youre done with him.

Well, through the process of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome is
carried up into the highest life forms, even humans. That is why, one week
out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled to bite the
head off the male. The Preying Mantis Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
occurs in the female of our species, its best to just avoid them for a while.

I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son. Without hesitation, the barber answered, When hes four.

(via Aiken Drum, Rodney & Cathy, HorridScopes)

Two men in the doctors waiting room.

First man: What are you here for then?

Second man: Heamaroids.

First man: Is that why you have to sit on that bean bag?

Second man: Look again!