El doctor llama por teléfono a su paciente:

Le tengo una noticia buena y otra mala.

Bueno… dígame primero la buena.

Los resultados del análisis indican que le quedan 24 horas de vida.

Pero bueno, ¿esa es la buena noticia? ¿entonces cuál es la mala?

Que estuve intentando localizarlo desde ayer.

Dos tribus peleaban desde hacía muchos años y una de ellas siempre resultaba masacrada. Un misionero decidió ayudar a la tribu más débil.

Buenos días, Gran Jefe. Te voy a explicar como ganar cuando uno es el más débil.

El misionero puso la mano contra un muro y dijo: ¡Golpea!

Tras dudarlo un momento, el Jefe se decidió y envió un violento golpe. El explorador retiró rapidamente la mano y el puño del Jefe se estrelló contra el muro. El Jefe se retorció un buen rato del dolor.

¡Ves! ¡Con esta estrategia puedes vencer a tus enemigos!

El Jefe entendió la lección y convocó a todos sus guerreros.

Escúchenme, les dijo. Tengo una estrategia secreta para vencer a nuestros enemigos.

¿Cuál es esa estrategia? le preguntaron todos.

El Jefe se puso la mano delante de la cara y les dijo: ¡Golpeen!

22 de julio de 1976:

Hoy cumplo cinco años. Mi mamá me contó que cuando nací, el doctor fue a la sala de espera y le dijo a mi papi: Hicimos todo lo que pudimos pero lamentablemente salió vivo.

6 de junio de 1980:

Hoy, mi madre me confesó que nunca me dejó mamar sus senos. Dice que sólo me quería como amigo.

12 de noviembre de 1981:

Hoy fui secuestrado. Los secuestradores me cortaron un dedo y se lo enviaron a mis padres para pedir recompensa. Mi padre les contestó que quería más pruebas.

25 de diciembre, Navidad de 1982:

Hoy me di cuenta que mis padres me odian. Me regalaron un juguete para que lo use en la bañera: una plancha eléctrica.

Día del Padre, 1983:

Le regalé una billetera y una foto mía a mi papá. Tomó la billetera, la abrió… y prefirió dejar la foto que vino dentro.

En un día de feria, 1984:

Hoy me perdí entre la gente. Le pregunté al policía si creía que íbamos a encontrar a mis padres. Me contestó: No lo sé, muchacho, hay un montón de lugares donde pudieron haberse escondido.

30 de agosto, 1993:

Hoy murió mi padre. Su último deseo antes de morir fue que me sentara en sus piernas. Lo condenaron a la silla eléctrica.

3 de febrero, 1996:

Hoy renuncié a mi primer trabajo. Era en una tienda de animales. La gente no paraba de preguntarle al dueño cuanto costaba el gorila.

14 de febrero, Día de los Enamorados, 1996:

Hoy me llamó una chica a mi casa y me dijo: Es Día de los Enamorados. Ven a mi casa ahora que no hay nadie. Cuando llegué, no había nadie.

15 de abril, 1998:

Hoy es el día de mi boda. Estoy muy feliz. Espero que mi esposa la esté pasando bien. Está en Londres, de luna de miel, con su jefe.

26 de abril, 1998:

A mi esposa le gusta mucho hablar conmigo después del sexo. Hoy me llamó a casa desde un hotel.

27 de abril, 1998:

No aguanto la infidelidad de mi mujer. Hoy intenté suicidarme y me tomé un frasco entero de aspirinas. Me llevaron al hospital y el doctor me dijo: Para que no le vuelva a pasar tómese una cerveza con un aderezo de cianuro.

28 de abril, 1998:

Me llevaron con un psiquiatra. Él me dijo que yo estaba loco. Le respondí que quería escuchar una segunda opinión. De acuerdo, además de loco, usted está muy feo.

4 de mayo, 1998:

Me iba a suicidar tirándome desde la azotea de un edificio de 50 pisos. Enviaron a un sacerdote a darme unas palabras de aliento; sus palabras fueron: En sus marcas, listos…

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
— Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps theyre too old to do it.
— Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. My wife and I are completely equal partners, is talking about either a law firm or a hand of
bridge. — Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
— Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
— Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

— Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when shes wrong.
— Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— George Burns

Whats the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds. — Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. Its a whole different way of thinking.
— Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There was water in the carburetor. I said, Wheres the car? She said, In the lake.
— Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
— Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
— Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
— Erma Bombeck

When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his
new little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a
problem with his barbecuing beef every Friday. Since they couldnt eat meat
on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they
could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over
to talk to Ole. Ole, they said, since you are the only Lutheran in this
whole town and theres not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you
should join our church and become a Catholic.

Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right.
Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it. The big day came and the
priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Oles head and said, Ole, you
were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now, he said as he
sprinkled some incense over Oles head, now you are a Catholic!

Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday
evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming
from Oles yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they
approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: You were born a
beef, you were raised a beef, and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he
said, and now you are a fish!

During one of his many trips to London, George Burns became friends with a very
wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit,
Hy told George that because of his large donations to charities through the
years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.

Thats a great honor, George said. Why would you turn it down?

Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin, he said.
And I dont wish to bother studying Latin just for that.

So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldnt know the difference.

Brilliant, Hy complimented me, but what should I say?

Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of
Passover? … Why is this night different from all other nights? Can
you say that in Hebrew?

Of course, he said. Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport,
I shall become a knight.

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees
went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before
Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other,
and motioned for Hy to speak.

Out came Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh.

The queen turned to her husband and said, Why is this knight different
from all other knights?

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8
and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went
wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits end trying to control them.

Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother
suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the
boys. The father replied, Sure, do that before I kill them!

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed,
but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the
mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he
sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at
each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and
asked, Where is God?

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all
around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, Where is
God?

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in
a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and
put his forefinger almost to the boys nose, and asked, Where is
God?

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older
brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where
they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, We are in BIIIIG
trouble.

The older boy asked, What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?

His brother replied, God is missing… and they think we did it.

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth — if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first."I think Im the smartest woman on earth." "POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try.p>"I think Im the prettiest woman on earth.""POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up."I think–""POOF!"

A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q: What did the apple say to the orange? A: I despise you for being different from me.