Yo mama in a wheelchair and says, You aint gonna puch me round no more.

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husbands funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, Wouldnt it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that hes wearing?

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, Actually, it didnt cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So… I switched the heads

Pepito iba muy mal en matemáticas. Sus padres habían intentado de todo: maestros particulares, centros especiales, todo lo que pueda imaginarse. En un último intento, inscribieron a Pepito en la escuela católica de la localidad.

Tras el primer día de clases, Pepito regresó a casa con una expresión muy seria en su rostro. Ni siquiera saludó a su mamá, sino que se fue directo a su cuarto y empezó a estudiar. Al poco tiempo había libros y papeles por todo el cuarto y Pepito estaba trabajando como nunca antes. Su madre estaba sorprendida. Después de comer, Pepito se regresó inmediatamente a su cuarto sin decir nada y se puso a estudiar de nuevo. Esto continuó por algún tiempo, día tras día y la mamá no lograba entender lo que hacía la diferencia.

Al fin, Pepito llevó a casa su boleta de calificaciones. La dejó sin decir nada sobre la mesa y se fue a su cuarto a estudiar. Toda nerviosa, la mamá vio la boleta y, para su sorpresa, vio que Pepito había sacado 10 en matemáticas. Sin poder contener por más tiempo su curiosidad, la mamá fue a buscar a Pepito:

Hijo, ¿qué fue lo que pasó? ¿Fueron las monjitas las que te convencieron?

Pepito se volvió a verla, y moviendo la cabeza respondió:

No.

Entonces, ¿fueron los libros, la disciplina, la estructura, los uniformes? ¿Podrías decirme qué fue?

Bueno, mamá, cuando fui a clases el primer día y vi al pobre tipo clavado en el signo de más, ¡supe que las monjitas iban en serio!

One day A Blonde girl was running out to check her mail and a neighbor was watching. 5 minutes later she checked it again this happened all through the day till the neighbor went outside and stopped her and asked her why she kept looking in her mail box and her reply was.



My computer keeps telling me I have mail!

Q: Whats cheaper Deernuts or Peanuts?

A: Deernuts cause theyre under a buck.

The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign. It says, “Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.” So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which reads, “Now there are two.”

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

A little humility is arrogance.

Three men, an Italian, a Jew, and a Pole, are sentenced to spend
15 years in solitary confinement. The judge, feeling sorry for
the men, decides to allow each to take with him whatever he
wants. The Italian says, Id like to take a woman with me.
The judge reluctantly agrees, and the Italian takes his wife and
heads off to solitary. The Jew says, Id like to take a
telephone with me. The judge agrees, and off goes the Jew with
his telephone. The Pole pulls out a hand-held calculator and
furiously punches the buttons for a few minutes. He then
announces, Id like to take 3,000 cartons of cigarettes with
me. The judge agrees, and off goes the Pole with his
cigarettes.

After 15 years they open the Italians cell, and out comes the
Italian with his wife and 15 children: It wasnt so bad….
The Jew emerges and announces he is now a multimillionaire,
having set up a successful business by telephone. The Pole then
comes out, trembling like a leaf, and says, Anybody got a
match?

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouses mate is found in a compromising position.

See, I have a problem with that passion business, responded one jury candidate. During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him.

She wasnt selected for the jury.