Christmas controversies & various solutions

CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE:Live tree, planted after use
MALE:Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE:Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY:Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE:Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE:Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE:Elegant flickering candles
REALITY:Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE:Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE:Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE:Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY:Hells Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE:Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE:Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE:Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti
REALITY:More icicles on floor than on tree
CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning?
YUPPIE:Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules
MALE:Anytime, just so it doesnt interfere with football
FEMALE:Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY:Doesnt matter, everyones peeked anyway
CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner?
YUPPIE:Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE:Anything, as theres plenty of both it and beer
FEMALE:A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY:Chinese carry-out or McDonalds

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that youre a spider person.
4) When attending a movie youve already seen, yell out: Dont let him in! Hes the killer!
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: I hope I fixed it this time.
7) Beep when a large person backs up.
8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the little men.
9) Insist on making inanimate objects dance
10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until its full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
15) Insist that life is one big musical, then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.

[Another original piece of net.humor, from the people who
brought you The Power Users Guide to Power Users …]

Note 1: for those who dont already know, an LJBF is a person
who, unconsciously and subliminally convinces you that you are
without doubt, the man/woman s/hes been looking for all his/her
life, then crushes your ego, self-respect, and will-to-live by
uttering the four most awful words in the English language:

Two statues, a boy and a girl, had been standing in a city park for 50 plus years. God decided that, since they had been standing there obediantly for so long, they should get a chance to be human for awhile. So he sent an angel down.The angel immediately unfroze them and told them they had an hour to do whatever their hearts desired.
The boy and the girl looked at each other, giggled and ran behind the bushes.All the angel heard for a half hour was lots of giggling. They came out and the angel told them that they still had thirty minutes.The boy and girl looked at each other again, Do you want to do it again? the boy asked. Yes, the girl answered. But this time you hold the bird and Ill poop on his head.

Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow.

Department of Unusual Marketing: Johnson & Johnson has a continuing contract with a number of Web sites devoted to the stock market. When the stock market falls by at least 100 points, banner ads for the companys headache remedies appear on the sites.

News Releases I Never Got Around to Finishing: The recent U.S. presidential election left a number of people wondering if their vote really counts. But with GetMusics new music video voting tool, Hot or Not, every vote matters. Launching today on GetMusic.com (www.get-music.com) …

Job Title of the Month: A Build-A-Bear Workshop is a retail chain that allows customers to design their very own stuffed bear. Maxine Clark is Chief Executive Bear.

And speaking of animals, The Youre Probably Not Surprised Award to rapper Snoop Doggs new venture, a porn video called Doggystyle. While the Dogg performs in the video, he keeps his clothes on.

Our Say What? Award to this news release:

Following the introduction of Adobe® After Effects® 5.0, Adobe Systems Incorporated (NASDAQ:ADBE) today announced that it has acquired the plug-in technology from Cycore Cult Effects (TM) and Atomic Power Evolution (TM).

Adobe After Effects 5.0 is the first Adobe software application to incorporate this plug-in technology that is used to create eye-catching visual effects.

And I had to take math and science classes in college. The Chicago-based Institute for International Education offers a course called Deconstructing Contemporary Irish Urban Landscapes. It consists of visiting Irish pubs.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Oman!
Oman who?
Oman, you are cute!

Mary and Betty were friends that worked in the same office.

At lunch, Betty confided to her co-worker that she had an awful row with her husband the night before.

What was it about? asked Mary.

He was going through a closet, looking for something, and found my birth control pills.

Well what is the problem with that?

He had a vasectomy two years ago!

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL



1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.



2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.



3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.



4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.



5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.



6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.



7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouses armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cats mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.



8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.



9. Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.



10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.



11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.



12. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cats mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.



13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.



14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

One day, Mark Bookspan rubbed a lamp and out came a genie. Mark made a wish to be the most handsome man alive, but instead, the genie turned him into a taiper. Surprisingly, this increased Marks sex appeal tenfold.

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says get in, get in! The religous man replies, no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause God will grant him a miracle.

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down. St. Peter chuckles and responds, I dont know what youre complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter.