Today is Learning to Spell Ebonics. Mr. Darnell Jackson will help out by putting the words into sentences.

Foreclose
If I dont pay my alimony this month, Ill have more money forclose.

Sodomy
When I go out at night, I like to have one bitch on one sodomy and another bitcho n de other sodomy.

Rectum
I had two Cadillacs, but my girlfrin rectum both.

Hotels
I gave my girlfrin the crabs, then the hotels everybody.

Dissapointment
My parole officer told me if I miss disappointment, he gonna send me back toos the big house.

Decide
My favorite girls are Waanda and Yolanda, but I like to keep a couple on decide.

Penis
I had to take my drug test the other day, so my parole officer gives me a paper cup and says, Here penis.

Afford
I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but had to settle for afford.

Subpoena
I went to the john at the concert, but the lines were long and I hadda go bad, so da man sez subpoena sink .

Manual
I told my buddy Tyrone, manual get yourself in trouble if you keep messin with dat hoe.

Catacomb
I went to the fight and sat next to Don King – now someone oughta git that catacomb.

Mister
My girlfrin went on vacation and I really mister.

Undermine
Theres a fine looking bitch living in the apartment undermine.

Cadaver
I told my buddy Tyrone I liked his sister and wanted to see her and he said I cadaver.

Paramour
I was playing cards with my buddy Antonio and I said Wadda you got? He said I got an ace high and youre gonna need a paramour to beat me.

Polyp
On my way home from the Pistons game the other night, I was involved in a fi car polyp.

Urinal
After the police broke down my door last night, they said, Darnett, urinal lot a trouble.

Bubba and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, Whatever has possessed you to study Russian?

The couple said proudly, We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so hell start to talk … We just want to be able to understand him.

Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak
out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the
drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in
pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.
Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a
powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any
stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring
powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure
the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to
spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the
drive. Big Diskettes may be folded and used in Little drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The
data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the
intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a
photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be
backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive.
Whenever you update a document, the data will be written
onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup
copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When
you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings
liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into
the drive.
Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the
drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so
could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.
Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is
known as a hung or hooked state. If your system is
hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins
before being allowed to access the slot.
If your diskette is full and needs more storage space,
remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for
two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data
compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover
all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more
holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more
simultaneous access points to the disk.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent
system bugs from spreading.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wash!
Wash who?
Wash you there , Fred!

Q: How many pawnbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Its of no interest to them.

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him.

When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color.

The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, Greenside up!

The lady is a little confused, but doesnt say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.

The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, Greenside up!

The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.

The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, Greenside up!

The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?

The contractor replies, Im sorry for any confusion. You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.

En un manicomio se encontraban unos médicos haciendo un exámen a los locos. El tema trataba sobre la identificación de las partes del cuerpo.

Pasa el primer loco y le preguntan, enseñándole una mano: ¿Qué es esto?, a lo que el loco contesta: es la nariz. Y los médicos lo retiran por no dar una respuesta correcta.

Pasa el segundo loco y le hacen la misma pregunta que al primero: ¿Qué es esto? (mostrándole la mano). Y el loco contesta: Es la boca.

Y así siguieron pasando varios locos sin que contestaran correctamente hasta que llega el último:

Interroga un médico: ¿Qué es esto? (enseñándole la mano derecha). Contesta el loco: Es la mano derecha.

¿Y esto? (enseñándole la mano izquierda). Contesta el loco: Es la mano izquierda.

¿Y esto? (pregunta otro médico mostrando la nariz). Pues la nariz.

El loco contesta correctamente a todas y cada una de las preguntas que le hacen, y los médicos deciden darlo de alta del manicomio.

Cuando le van a comunicar que será dado de alta, le preguntan sus compañeros: Oye, ¿cómo le hiciste para contestar correctamente todas las preguntas? A lo que responde el loco, tocándose con el índice la sien derecha: ¡Mucha nalga, mucha nalga!

Un policia detiene a un joven por correr demasiado y le indica que por estar de buen humor, le dirá 3 adivinanzas y si las acierta no le pone la multa.

Si viene una luz por la carretera ¿qué es? Una moto. No, porque puede ser Harley, Honda, Yamaha.

Si vienen dos luces por la carretera ¿qué es? Un coche. Falló, porque puede ser Bmw, Mercedes, Volvo.

En esto el conductor le dice, Bueno, la tercera la pongo yo. Dígame, si ve una mujer alta rubia, con un bolso, muy provocativa, en una esquina y se acerca a la ventanilla de

un coche ¿qué es?

¡Hombre, una protituta!

¡Pues no, porque puede ser tu madre, tu mujer o tu hija!

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet.

–Robin Williams

Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1-3, alpha = .05