Q: What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

A: Someone is going to lose a trailer.

A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and runs them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they are phony).

He tells them, O.K. I have a test for you. I want you to use the words cheese and liver in a sentence.

So, the first guy says, I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch.

The agent says, That was good, you can go. What about you? he asks the second guy.

He says, Liver alone. Cheese mine.

Q. How do you scare a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Tres negros en la cárcel de Sudáfrica (antes de Mandela). Uno le comenta a otro:

¿Cuantos años te han echado?

7 años.

¿Por qué?

Iba andando por la calle, cuando decidí cruzar al otro lado, me atropelló un coche de un blanco, y le atravesé la luna delantera.

¿De qué te acusaron?

Allanamiento de morada. ¿Y a ti?

Me han echado 15 años por una cosa parecida a la tuya.

¿Cuál?

Iba caminando por una calle; cuando decidí cruzarla, me atropelló un coche de un blanco, le atravesé la luna delantera y la trasera.

¿Y de que te acusaron?

Allanamiento de morada e intento de fuga.

El tercer negro interviene: Pues a mí me han echado 25 años también por una cosa parecida.

¿Cuál?

Iba por la calle; cuando decidí cruzarla, me atropelló el coche de un blanco, entré por la luna delantera, salí por la trasera y después el blanco se bajó del coche y me clavó un hacha en el pecho.

¿Y de qué te acusaron?

Allanamiento de morada, intento de fuga y tenencia ilícita de armas.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

154. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.

Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top.

Id rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: Your honor, a juror is asleep.

The Judge ruled: You put him to sleep! YOU wake him up!

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, Father Murphy, were you gambling?

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do. To the police officer, he then said, No, officer; I was not gambling.

The officer then asked the minister, Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, No, officer; I was not gambling.

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, With whom?