PCMCIA People Cant Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN It Still Does Nothing



APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity



SCSI System Cant See It



DOS Defective Operating System



BASIC Bills Attempt to Seize Industry Control



IBM I Blame Microsoft



DEC Do Expect Cuts



CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months



OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.



WWW World Wide Wait



MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs



PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics



COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language



AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction



LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis



MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed



WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System



GIRO Garbage In Rubbish Out



MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.

Still, there are some things a big company can do that a small band of
programmers could never hope to accomplish. This was best shown to me
this week by reader Brian P. McLean, who points out that according to his
Microsoft Outlook 97 scheduling/datebook application, Thanksgiving falls
this year on Wednesday, November 26.

Thanksgiving has always fallen on Thursday before. Wednesday may be an
improvement. I dont know.

– Robert X. Cringely, from his I, Cringely column (November 7, 1997)

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the ladys house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.Wow! the man said. Can I take it for a test drive? Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the ladys house.Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money.

Make Big Money – Get a Job!

Hi, my name is Aloysius. Five years ago I had no money. People wanted
me to pay for services that I had used, yet I had no funds to pay them
with.
Then an amazing thing happened! A friend of mine told me about a
place where people get together for about 8 hours at a time. While
together, these employees provide services, build things, add value
to things, and even manage the activities of others. All this is done in
exchange for money, often paid at the completion of 40 hours of activity.

My friend told me that if I joined him, the people at this place would
give me money too! In time, they may even give me lots of money, and
I mean a LOT of money. Just imagine my joy at being told of a system
that would enable me to pay for all the things I want and need!

I was so happy to learn of this system that I set out on a mission. There
are too many people on the Internet who have not yet discovered this
method of obtaining money. Instead, these misguided souls participate
in schemes that promise thousands of dollars in exchange for an illegal
five dollar investment.

If you read any Usenet newsgroup on a regular basis, you know the
people I mean. They post messages such as: Big Money NOW,
Fast Cash NOW and Get out of Debt and into Jail, NOW!

These unfortunates must hear this message of great joy and good fortune:
GET A JOB AND STOP FLOODING THE INTERNET WITH GET RICH QUICK SCHEMES!!!

I invite you to join me in this quest. How? Simple!
Whenever someone posts an illegal get-rich-quick-scheme to your favorite
newsgroup, simply E-mail this letter back to them. An additional step may
be required to deliver the good news to people who post these messages
under phony e-mail addresses. For them, a hard copy of this letter to
their postal address may be required. (They always include a postal
address because thats where they want you to send the BIG MONEY)

It has also been suggested to me that people may wish to send this letter
to the Sysop or Postmaster of the letter writers Internet Service
Provider. I think this is a great idea, and I fully encourage further
suggestions for improving the delivery of this good news!

You have my permission to copy this letter. Feel free to add your name
to mine and those listed here, (when and if people decide to add their
names to this letter), or remain anonymous and send it as is.

A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says fill it up, please. The Attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car are

occupied by penguins.

Hey Buddy says the attendant to the driver, These birds cant be happy like this…theyre wild animals, you should take them to a zoo

or something..

The motorist agrees to do so.

The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once more the attendant sees the penquins installed in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels…

Whats this? he says to the driver, I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?

The driver says I did…and they had such a great time that today Im taking them to the beach.

Whats the difference between a woman and dog at your front door?

The dog will stop barking once you let it in!

An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other.

The Indian says to the bartender,

Me want Lager!

The bartender says, Sure, Chief, coming right up.

He then serves the Indian a

tall glass of Tennents Lager.

The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out.

Five days later, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other.

He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender, Me want beer!

The bartender says, Whoa there Chief, were still cleaning up from the last time you were here… What was that all

about, anyway? he asked.

The Indian explained, Me training for job as government employee. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days, then

come back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind…..

Top ten answers I always wanted to give to women but never have (and had to keep on dealing with an acute sense of repression of my true nature).

No, we cant be friends, I just want to use you for sex.
The dress doesnt make you look fat, its all the pizzas and chocolate you eat that make you actually fat.
Of course Ill call you. When I need to have sex again.
No, I wont be gentle.
Of course you have to swallow.
Well yes, actually, I do this all the time. (After breaking wind)
No, I dont like stupid friends.
No, you will never see me again after tonight.
No, I dont care about your feelings.
Foreplay? I dont even know how to spell the word.

More One-liners worth passing on…

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.

In two words I can sum up everything Ive learned about life. S$$T HAPPENS!.

Accept than some days youre the pigeon, and some days youre the statue.

The best vitamin for making friends: B1.

If you cant be the tablecloth, dont be the dishrag.

I dont have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who havent got the guts to bite people themselves.

Im not just a gardener, Im a Plant Manager.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Youre slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Id give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.

Tell me what you need, and Ill tell you how to get along without it.

Someday well look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Theres no real need to do housework — after four years it doesnt get any worse.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Youll never be the man your mother was!

Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

Dont hate yourself in the morning — sleep till noon.

Good news is just lifes way of keeping you off balance.

Dont cook tonight — starve a rat today!

God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.