Old and New Jokes

10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctors office include, Take a left when you enter the trailer park.
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is an apple a day.
5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didnt come in different colors with little M&Ms on them.
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hepburn!
Hepburn who?
Hepburn and indigestion!

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

Alright, the lawyer says looking through his papers. You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

What! That sounds like a car payment schedule, retorted the client.

Your right. Its mine.

Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, O.K., so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, Ive been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, Im burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then Im outta here, so make it a good one.

The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!

Fine, said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer, and disappeared.

Great move, Einstein, said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. Now were gonna have to pee in the boat!

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks its a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!

. . . On the road again, just cant wait to get on the road again….

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. Look! he says, and pulls the cork out again, . . . On the road again . . .

The M.A. is totally unimpressed…So what? he says.

Isnt that the most amazing thing youve ever seen?, the guy asked. Are you kidding? says the M.A. Any asshole can sing country music!

Un borracho está tratando de abrir la puerta de su casa, cuando llega un policía quien le pregunta con voz enérgica:

¿Qué está Ud. haciendo?

El hombre voltea sobresaltado y balbucea:

Aquí, poli, tratando de abrir mi casa, hip.

Se acerca el agente con una lámpara e inquiere:

¿Con un supositorio?

Entonces, ¿qué le hice a la llave?, se espanta el borrachín.

Q: What are Mike Tysons favorite words?

A: Lets take a bite out of Crime!!

32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis

A device that permits
us to lose several keys at one time.