Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, Id like to have one too.

Then I said, You dont understand. Ive had Sex since I was nine years old.

He said, You must have been quite a kid!

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.

He said he didnt want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.

I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.

My family is barred from the church from then on.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said, Every room in the place is for sex.

I said, You dont understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.

The clerk said, Me too.

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.

I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets.

But you dont understand, I said, I had hoped to have Sex on T.V.

He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.

The judge said, Me too.

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.

He said, Me too.

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, What are you doing in the alley at 4 oclock in the morning?

I said, Im looking for Sex.

Well now Ive been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, What seems to be the trouble?

I replied, Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I couldnt live any longer so lonely,

And the doctor said, Look mister, you should understand that sex isnt a mans best friend, so get yourself a dog.

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks its a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!

. . . On the road again, just cant wait to get on the road again….

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. Look! he says, and pulls the cork out again, . . . On the road again . . .

The M.A. is totally unimpressed…So what? he says.

Isnt that the most amazing thing youve ever seen?, the guy asked. Are you kidding? says the M.A. Any asshole can sing country music!

Un borracho está tratando de abrir la puerta de su casa, cuando llega un policía quien le pregunta con voz enérgica:

¿Qué está Ud. haciendo?

El hombre voltea sobresaltado y balbucea:

Aquí, poli, tratando de abrir mi casa, hip.

Se acerca el agente con una lámpara e inquiere:

¿Con un supositorio?

Entonces, ¿qué le hice a la llave?, se espanta el borrachín.

Q: What are Mike Tysons favorite words?

A: Lets take a bite out of Crime!!

32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis

A device that permits
us to lose several keys at one time.

Yo mama so ugly she could scare Osama Bin Laden out of hiding.

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their
computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing
away. Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and hell.
When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where
he left off, but the Devils screen was black. Satan says,
How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!
Then one person in Hell says, No, Jesus Saves.

Why old man cant walk?

because he got a walk sick.

You might be a redneck if…
You own a homemade fur coat.