Lonely? Looking for your ideal partner? Here are some tips on what to expect.

First the women:

40-ish48
AdventurerHas had more partners than you ever will
AthleticFlat-chested
Average lookingUgly
BeautifulPathological liar
Contagious SmileBring your penicillin
EducatedCollege dropout
Emotionally SecureMedicated
FeministFat; ball buster
Free spiritSubstance user
Friendship firstTrying to live down reputation as slut
FunAnnoying
GentleComatose
Good ListenerBorderline Autistic
New-AgeAll body hair, all the time
Old-fashionedLights out, missionary position only
Open-mindedDesperate
OutgoingLoud
PassionateLoud
PoetDepressive Schizophrenic
ProfessionalReal Witch
RedheadShops the Clairol section
ReubenesqueGrossly Fat
RomanticLooks better by candle light
VoluptuousVery Fat
Weight proportional to heightHugely Fat
Wants SoulmateOne step away from stalking
WidowNagged first husband to death
Young at heartToothless crone

The males description:

40-ish52 and looking for 25-yr-old
AthleticSits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average lookingUnusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
EducatedWill always treat you like an idiot
Free SpiritSleeps with your sister
Friendship firstAs long as friendship involves nudity
FunGood with a remote and a six pack
Good lookingArrogant
HonestPathological Liar
HuggableOverweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddleInsecure, overly dependent
MatureUntil you get to know him
Open-mindedWants to sleep with your sister but shes not interested
Physically fitI spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
PoetHas written on a bathroom stall
SpiritualOnce went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
StableOccasional stalker, but never arrested
ThoughtfulSays Please when demanding a beer

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they dont want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?

He replies Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.

His father says Thats fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?

Johnny answers Well, so far, weve been lucky …

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Dont disguise your voice. 2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you. 3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "Thats a good point, Sparky." "No, Im sorry, but Im going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha." 4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what youre doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, Ill be in the bathroom." 5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you havent lost them as much since you did this. 6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge. 7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way. 8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people youre waiting for your document. 9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that. 10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. 11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing. 12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN". 13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers. 14) Send e-mail messages saying theres free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh youve got to be faster than that." 15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

An Englishman was recently asked about the differences between
English and American people.

He said there were three:

1. We speak English and you dont.

2. When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries.

3. When you meet the Head of State in England, you only have to go down on one knee.

There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife.

He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said Take one pill for a great night. The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle.

In the morning the neighbors came over to find the mans son sitting on the porch crying.

Whats wrong? they said. The boy replied, Moms dead, sisters pregnant, my butt hurts and dads in the basement yelling here kitty

One night a man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful women sitting at the bar. He walked up to her and asked how much is it for a hand job?

The women replied $500 dollars sir

$500 dollars! That’s a lot of money are you any good?

Well sir you see that car out there?

The women pointed to a sleek black Dodge Viper.

Yes, said the man.

Well, I paid for that car with all the money I made doing hand jobs, with that statement the man agreed to the service.

The next night the same man walked into the same bar and went up to the same beautiful women and asked Miss, do you do blow jobs?

“Why yes I do, it costs $80

$80 Wow!, are they any good because that’s a lot of money.

Well you see that building out there?

The woman pointed to a company office building.

Yes said the man.

Well, I paid for that company with all the money Ive made doing blow jobs! the man agreed and the women did the service.

The very next night the same man walked into the same bar and went to the same beautiful woman at the bar and asked Miss would you have sex with me?

To which the woman replied, You see that island out there?

The woman pointed to Manhattan Island, the man said dont tell me, you paid for that island with the money you made by having sex with people?

No, but I could have bought that island with the money I made by having sex with men if I had a vagina!

La señora contesta al timbre de la puerta de su casa. Ante la entrada, están dos niñitos que portan una lista en un pedazo de papel. Uno de ellos dice:

Señora, mi hermanito y yo entramos en un juego en el que, si lo ganamos, nos regalan cien pesos. Consiste en encontrar las cosas que aparecen en esta lista…

¡Y sólo nos falta por conseguir tres granos de trigo, un hueso de chuleta de carnero y un pedazo de papel carbón usado! ¿Nos puede ayudar?, interrumpe, excitado, el otro niño.

¡Guau! ¿Y quién los convenció de entrar a un juego tan difícil?, inquiere intrigada la mujer.

El novio de nuestra niñera, contestan a coro los pequeños.

Genghis Khan is looking for a few good barbarians.

THE FACTS OF LIFE

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money cant buy happiness…But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Daves Law: You cant fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you cant find them.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Originally

From: Shaw Mr. G

Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers

Bill Gates dies and fronts up to the pearly gates.

St Peter: Well, youve got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision.

Bill has a look around heaven. Lotss of sombre people singing hymns, praising the Lord (and probably writing Ada :-). He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women (and a lot of C and Basic :-). Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter.

Gates: Look, I know youre really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell.

St Peter: No worries. Youve got it.

Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He cant work it out.

Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks?

St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the demo version.

Source: alt.humor.best-of-usenet