An Israeli doctor says, Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor says, That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says, In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now half the country is looking for work.

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, Pull, Nellie, pull! Buddy didnt move.

Then the farmer hollered, Pull, Buster, pull! Buddy didnt respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, Pull, Coco, pull! Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, Pull, Buddy, pull! And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldnt even try!

Early American who was lucky enough to find his way
out of the woods.

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.

The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, Im sure youll agree, and its an absolute steal at only $20.

Why is it that cheap? the woman asks

Well, replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity

Oh, I dont mind that, said the woman, making her mind up, Im broad minded and itll be a laugh having a profane parrot.

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam

Im not a madam and this isnt a brothel says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and lets it drop.

A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home. A new brothel, a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes says the parrot when he sees the daughters. Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, were not prostitutes complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.

A short while later, the womans husband comes home. Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin, Dave? says the parrot.

I just had the doctor remove an ugly growth from my back. It was my mother-in-law.

Two muffins were in an oven and one says to the other Oh my god its hot in here! the other one says HOLY SHIT a talking muffin

George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw
an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white
robe and holding a staff. He walked up to the man, who was staring at
the ceiling, and asked, Excuse me sir, arent you Moses?

The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling,
saying nothing.

Again, George W. asked, a little louder this time, Excuse me sir,
arent you Moses?

Again, the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a
word.

George W. tried a third time, louder yet, Excuse me sir, arent you
Moses?

Again, no movement or words from the old man. He continued to stare at
the ceiling.

One of George W.s aides asked him if there was a problem, and George
W. said, Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I have asked him
three times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet.

To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied to the
aide, I can hear him and yes, I am Moses, but the last time I spoke
to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness.

Q. Have u ever saw Stevie Wonders wife?

A. No

PUNCHLINE: Neither has he.

Things that mightve been funny if comedian Steve Wright had said them…

A metaphor is like a simile.

Why doesnt the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging
plant.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if
you eat less than you can.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

For my sisters 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

As of 1992, theyll be called European Economic Community fries.

Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how
it weighs the food. It doesnt. It just eats another hummingbird.

I bought a portable cable tv.

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

I liked Slaughterhouse 5, but I cant find the first four anywhere.

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they
found was a pile of dust.

Q: What did Ms. Lewinsky allegedly say when


offered a position at the UN?


A: Would that, then, be a missionary position?