Why does Sadamm Husseins wife have no pubic hair?



Because when he is in bed he doesnt want to see Bush.

Why doesnt Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives? Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton give up the saxophone?

A: Because he had a hor-monica.

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, How do you get to the other side?

You are on the other side, the other blonde yells back

See if you can do this …

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is retard cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now read the THIRD word, in each line, from the start.

Zikes! What a year! Joseph forgot to make reservations at the Bethlehem Inn (his carpentry projects arent the only thing made out of wood!). So they stick us in this stable full of stale hay and stinking animals and guess what???

I go right into labor. My OB doc said: Make the trip.

Anyway, we have a new baby boy that we think is truly special. But its been a madhouse ever since!

First, we couldnt agree on a name. Joe likes Emmanuel – Im holding out for Jesus. In the middle of the argument all the animals in the stable start talking and taking sides!

Next, all these shepherds stopped by to gawk (as if the smell wasnt bad enough). And, since this is Josephs hometown, the whole mishpuka seemed to drop in.

You wouldnt believe his weird cousin John! All the time he babbles about logos and kerygma and a whole bunch of stuff thats just plain Greek to me.

Then theres a Stella, (or is it Quelle?) who keeps asking me to write down everything the kid says, word for word – like hes talking already.

I tell you, it felt like there were 5,000 relatives around and me with only a few cloves and knishes to feed them.

We also seem to be attracting religious pilgrims. Ever try to fend off one of them Druids for Istar when youre busy doing laundry? At least those three camel jockeys brought gifts.

We cant get a good nights sleep with that stupid star shining through the cracks in the ceiling, and every store in town is sold out of swaddling. And then it seemed every time I went to feed the boy a half-dozen Renaissance painters would show up wanting to sketch the procedure.

I finally sent Joe out for bottles and formula.

When it came time for the Briss there was such a Hoo-Haw I couldnt believe it! Picketers! There were Picketers with signs saying, Dont mutilate Hebrew men! And some were chanting, Circumcise your hearts! Yeech.

Well, got to go! Joseph had another one of his goofy visions so I guess were off to Egypt. This time, I make the reservations! Maybe well spend a spell in India instead.

All my love, Mary

Youre in a room with no doors and no windows, and all you have is a baseball bat. How do you get out?

Strike 1! Strike 2! Strike 3!

Youre out!

Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
Instead of an hourglass icon youd get an empty beer bottle
Occasionally youd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naw
Instead of Ta-Da!, the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
The Recycle Bin in Winders 95 would be an outhouse
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player youd hear a digitized drunk
redneck yelling Freebird!
Instead of Start Me Up, the Winders 95 theme song would be
Achy-Breaky Heart
PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
Microsofts programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++
Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag
Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.
New Shutdown WAV: Yall come back now!
Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called Cuz
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
Microsoft Office replaced with Micrsawft Henhouse
Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver
Well, the first thing you know, old Bills a billionaire
Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in
your front yard
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator
Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
Redman plugnplay interface.
They could still use Kay-row as code name for next upgrade, but Albenny
would be the one after that.
Screen saver would be a kudzu vine which would consume your program
manager.
Instructions for use would include mash the control key.

You think proletariat is a type of cheese.

Youve named your kids Deduction one and Deduction two

Youve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just
allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

Youve ever referred to someone as my (insert racial or ethnic minority
here) friend

Youve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

Youre a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, theyre
richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops jack-booted thugs.

Youve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

Youve ever uttered the phrase, Why dont we just bomb the sons of
bitches.

Youve ever said, I cant wait to get into business school.

Youve ever called a secretary or waitress Tootsie.

You answer to The Man.

You dont think The Simpsons is all that funny, but you watch it
because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of Commies in my Neighborhood.

You dont let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and
Ernie of sexual deviance.

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain,
little woman, old lady, tax credit…

You scream Dit-dit-ditto while making love.

Youve argued that art has a moral foundation set in Western values.

When people say Marx, you think Groucho.

Youve ever yelled, Hey hippie, get a haircut.

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your
home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in
America.

Youve ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

Youve ever said Clean air? Looks clean to me.

Youve ever referred to Anita Hill as a lying bitch while attending a
Bob Packwood fund-raiser.

You spent MLK Day reading The Bell Curve.

Youve ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the 60s and dont remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an Ollie North: American Hero sticker.

Youre afraid of the liberal media.

You ever based an argument on the phrase, Well, tradition dictates….

Youve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of
pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because
he is lazy and doesnt want to contribute to society.

Youve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when
they dont even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

You cheer when a company announces layoffs because that means your
stock in that company will go up.

To all those Freshman note takers out there….heres an example of good
note taking :-)….

How to Take Notes

WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS:

Probably the greatest quality
of the poetry of John Milton, who
was born in 1608, is the combination
of beauty and power. Few have
excelled him in the use of the
English language, or for that
matter, in lucidity of verse form,
Paradise Lost being said to be
the greatest single poem ever
written.

YOU WRITE:

John Milton–born 1608

WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS:

When Lafayette first came to
this country, he discovered
America. The Americans needed his
help if their cause was to survive,
and this he promptly supplied them.

YOU WRITE:

Lafayette discovered America

WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS:

Current historians have come to
doubt the complete advantageousness
of some of Roosevelts policies

YOU WRITE:

Most of the problems that now face
the United States are directly
traceable to the bungling and greed
of President Roosevelt.

WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS:

…it is possible that we do
not understand the Russian
viewpoint…

YOU WRITE:

Professor Mitchell is a communist

WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS:

The puissance of hydrochloric
acid is incontestable; however,
the corrosive residue is
inharmonious with metallic
persistence.

YOU WRITE:

Hydrochloric acid eats the hell out of steel

dst@psuecl