A young man was talking to God. How long is a million years to You? he asked.

A million years to Me is like a single second to you, God replied.

How much is a million dollars to You? the young man asked.

A million dollars to Me is like a penny to you, God replied.

In that case, the young man ventured, Could I have one of Your pennies?

Certainly, My Son, God replied. Just a second.

Most people assume WWJD is for What would Jesus do?. But the initials really stand for What would Jesus drive?

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses followers are warned not to go up a mountain until the Rams horn sounds a long blast.

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didnt like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. Johns gospel where Christ tells the crowd, For I did not speak of my own Accord…

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that the roar of Moses Triumph is heard in the hills.

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: Joshuas Triumph was heard throughout the land. And, following the Masters lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda … The Apostles were in one Accord.

This material is lifted from copyrighted columns written by Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle and Roy Rivenburg of www.offkilter.org and the Los Angeles Times. Originally published on their Sept. 6, 2000, column, which was syndicated by Creators Syndicate and is available here.

A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary. That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed. She says, Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?

He said, I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldnt think straight. She smiled at him and said, So what are you thinking now?

He said, I think I did a pretty good job!

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.

The gentleman replied, Oh, I havent told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. Ive changed my will three times in the last week alone!

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.



Inside the closet, the little boy says, Its dark in here, isnt it?

Yes it is, the man replies.

You wanna buy a baseball? the little boy asks.

No thanks, the man replies.

I think you do want to buy a baseball, the little extortionist continues.

OK. How much? the man replies after considering the position he is in.



Twenty-five dollars, the little boy replies.

TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.



The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

Its dark in here, isnt it? the boy starts off.

Yes it is, replies the man.

Wanna buy a baseball glove? the little boy asks.

OK. How much? the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

Fifty dollars, the boy replies and the transaction is completed..



The next weekend, the little boys father says Hey, son.

Go get your ball and glove and well play some catch.

I cant. I sold them, replies the little boy.

How much did you get for them? asks the father, expecting to hear

the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

Seventy-five dollars, the little boy says.

SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! Thats thievery! Im taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.



At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says Its dark in here, isnt it?



Dont you start that crap in here, the priest says.

From Contemporary Comedy

This is the third anniversary of Bill Clintons election, and you know, looking back, I think the country was better off when Hillary was President.

If you put Ross Perots ears and Bill Clintons nose and put it on Phil Gramms face, youd have – Mr. Potatohead!

Most Americans oppose the Republican Medicare plan – mostly the ones who plan to get old someday.

Congressmen have been bought and sold so many times they should have bar codes.

For more freebies: http://home.navisoft.com/ha/comedy.htm

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.

Online – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

En sus últimos minutos de vida, una madre recibe a su hijo. Éste se encuentra muy apenado y afligido, tanto por perder a su madre como por perder la posibilidad de conocer la identidad de su padre; así que haciendo uso de su última oportunidad, se arriesga:

Mamá, dime quién es mi papá.

La madre no contesta y el hijo insiste:

Por favor, mami, ¿quién es mi papá?

entre gemidos y a muy baja voz, por fin, la madre responde:

Pro… be… ta…

Satisfecho, el hijo exclama:

¿De probeta? ¡Soy hijo de probeta, qué tranquilidad!

Sin embargo, con un gesto de fastidio la madre le interrumpe:

¡Nooo! Probé tanto hombre que ni me acuerdo…

You know you live in a small town when the guy at
the local convenience store speaks English.