A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, Im sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk! she screamed.

Funny, he muttered, you even sound exactly like her.

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. There is a blind man to see you, she says. Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if Im in the shower. Send him in.

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: Thats nice and all, maam, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

From the book Mr. President, Why Dont You Paint Your White House Another Color?

When asked about the then Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, Shauna, age 10 responded: I dont know about her. The only girl I can think of is the one in the Tom Sawyer book. Is that who you mean? I didnt know she grew up to be a prime minister. Was that in another book?

A: She thought it was diet coke.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?Nurse: No change yet.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender Ill have a rum …………………. and coke.

The bartender asks, Whats with the big pause?

The bear responds, I dunno… Ive just always had them.

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods…

Cats have never forgotten this.

Heres proof that Cats are smarter than dogs…

You cant get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.Dogs come when theyre called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God!Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.

I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.My husband said it was him or the cat… I miss him sometimes.

Cats arent clean, theyre just covered with cat spit!

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the
switch.1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies wont jump all over you no matter what youre studying.4. There are some things even a rat wont do.

Overheard at the bridge table:

Lay down and lets see what youve got.

Ive got strength but no length.

Take your hand off my trick!

You jumped me twice when you didnt have the strength for one raise.

Now its time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine.

I have to protect my honour now.

Well, I guess well go home now. This is the last rubber.

Willing to take calculated risks: Doesnt mind spending someone elses money.

Zealous attitude: Opinionated.