A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that
they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until
all the juice ran into a glass, and then give the lemon to a patron. Anyone who
could squeeze another drop of juice out would win the money. Many people tried
but nobody was able to do it.

One day a scrawny, little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester
suit. He said in a squeaky voice, Id like to try the bet. After the laughter
died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed it. Then he handed the
wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man who clenched it in his small
fist.

Soon the crowds laughter turned to total silence as six drops of juice fell
into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked
the little man, What do you do for a living?

The little man replied with a winning smile, I work for the IRS!

A blonde was driving to the airport and she saw a sign that said Airport left so she turned around and went home.

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, Ive been a little sick to my stomach.

The older doctor said, Well, youve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount youve been eating and see if that does the trick?

As they left the younger man said, You didnt even examine that woman. Howd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?

I didnt have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.

Huh, the younger doctor said, Pretty sneaky. I think Ill try that at the next house.

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didnt have the energy she once did. Im feeling terribly run down lately.

Youve probably been doing too much work for the church, the younger doctor told her. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.

As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.

1. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

2. Refrain means dont do it. A refrain in music is the part you better

not try to sing.

3. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

4. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

5. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote

loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was

calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in

1827 and later died from this.

7. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.

8. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is

unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

9. An opera is a song of bigly size.

10. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he

really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live

happily ever after.

11. When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing

eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

12. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

13. I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.

14. Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said

he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

15. A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps onthe odium.

16. Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.

17. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

18. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields

and McCoys.

19. My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

20. My favorite composer is Opus.

21. A harp is a nude piano.

22. A tuba is much larger than its name.

23. Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

24. You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.

25. Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick

with the first name and learn it good.

26. A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

27. While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

28. The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass

fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.

29. When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds.

So would anybody.

30. Question: What are kettle drums called?

Answer: Kettle drums.

Mrs. Sally is a very strict second grade teacher who doesn’t want the kids in her class to use baby words, so when Christmas break comes around she tells her students that she wants them to use big people words over the break. When they come back Mrs. Sally asks the students, “so does anyone have a story from break they want to share?”
Little Molly raises her hand and answers, “I went to my papa and nana’s house.”
Mrs. Sally gets upset and says, “Molly, we do not say papa and nana we say grandparents!”
Mrs. Sally asks again if anyone has a story and little Joe raises his hand and says, “I rode in a choo choo.”
Again Mrs. Sally gets frustrated and tells her students that you do not say choo choo you say train. Mrs. Sally asks again if anyone has a story and little Billy raises his hand.
“And what did you do over break Billy?” Asks Mrs. Sally
“Well me and my mom read Winnie the sh*t over break.”

Three guys get together every Saturday to go to the local Country Club to play golf. One Saturday morning, the pro approaches them and asks if they would mind if a new member could join in with them for the day. They agree to give it a try and the four go off to play golf.

The new guy plays left handed and has a great round. The group decides that they had such a good time that they invite the new guy to join in again the following week. The new guy says hed love to, but he might be a couple of minutes late. They tell him that thats no problem and they all go home.

The next week, the new guy is there right on time and this time plays right handed. Again they all have a great time and invite him for the following week. He again tells them that he would love to but might be a couple of minutes late.

This goes on for several weeks with the new guy golfing both right and left handed. Finally, one of the original threesome cant stand it anymore and asks him, How do you figure out whether you should golf right handed or left?.

The new guy replies, Thats easy. When I wake up in the morning, I look over at my wife. If she is laying on her right side, I golf right handed. If she is laying on her left side, I golf left handed.

Well what if she is laying on her back?

Oh, thats when Im a couple of minutes late.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter and asks, What are those for?St Peter answers, Those are lie clocks. Everyone has one. Each time you lie, the hands on your clock move.Oh, says the man, Whose lie clock is that one?
Thats Mother Teresas, St Peter replies, The hands never moved because she never told a lie.Incredible, muses the man, Whose is that one?Abraham Lincolns, St Peter says, The hands only moved twice because he only told two lies in his entire life.Wow, so what about George W Bush and Tony Blairs clocks? The man asks.Theyre in Jesus office, Says St Peter, Hes using them as ceiling fans.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thurston!
Thurston who?
Thurston and hungerin!

Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders dont last as long as light bulbs.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender, Hey man, Im a Panda! Look it up!

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.