At a resort, a guy walks up to an older fellow who is sitting in the sun, sipping iced tea. The young guy says, Hey, how about a round of golf?Nah, the older fellow replies, tried it once, didnt like it.Well, how about a swim? Itll be more refreshing that your iced tea there.Nah, the older fellow responds, tried it once, didnt like it.Young guy says, Well, how about a game of tennis?Naw, tried it once and didnt like it. But my son will be here soon. Hes usually up for a game or two.The younger guy replies, Your only child I presume?

In an inner city school, a questionaire was sent home with a new pupil, requesting information regarding the home environment, number of brothers and sisters, fathers occupation, etc.

The next day she returned with a scrap of paper on which was the following: We have eighteen children. My husband can also do plumbing and carpentry work.

He worked it out with a pencil.

In the sleepy city of Sherrill, N.Y., two unsuspecting adults have found themselves the objects of sleep deprivation research.

James Harden is currently in his tenth month of his study. His subjects, Debbie and Dennis Harden, have tried to foil his research to no avail. Ferber has failed and so has The Family Bed.

Young James conducts his studies by awakening in the wee hours of the morning, standing up in his crib, and screaming at the top of his lungs. Sometimes, a backrub from Mom will put him back to sleep; but at other times, it takes the formula ritual. Sometimes James is actually hungry but most of the time he just wants to check how his research is going.

Just how far has he gone? Last week, James woke up too early; his parents were still up watching David Letterman. Dennis looked at his lovely wife and said, I cant take this. Im going to bed.

Debbie responded, If you do that, I will kill you in your sleep. Dennis went to get the baby.

Any non-Ferber advice or even sympathetic anecdotes are being requested by these strung-out parents. All other babies James age in this area actually sleep through the night and have done so since they were 2 days old. Or their parents are outright liars.

Two jokes on the same theme …

Q: What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?

A: A drummer.

Another researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis.
Accompanied by his trusty guide, he too seeks out a very remote locale
for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, hes sitting by the campfire with his
guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder.
The guide announces, I dont like the sound of those drums.

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, I really
dont like the sound of those drums.

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until
it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says
again, I really dont like the sound of those drums.

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out,
Hey man, hes not our regular drummer!

I read in a Reuters newswire from May 10 that police in Biddeford, Main had arrested a couple of men for driving by and strafing a pedestrian with doughnut holes!

Chris Roy, 19, and Christopher Cote, 20 said they normally just attack street signs and werent sure why this time they went for a pedestrian.

It seems they like to buy (doughnuts) just so they can throw them, said police Sergeant J.P. Morin.

He wasnt sure if they were fresh or stale, but said I suppose a piece of dough thrown from a car would be pretty hard.

I was in a chinese restaurant the other day when I called over the waiter and said Waiter, this omelettes rubbery

To which he replied Thank you very much.

squiffy – the only person I know who can post jokes from a job hes not at whilst at a job hes not supposed to be at…

Dont ask, its been ONE of THOSE days 🙂

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Iglesias!
Iglesias who?
Iglesias idea I ever had!

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Cant possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that thats the governments job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Cant agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Dont, but only because they cant get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it English.

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it English.

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add Gday, mate and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.