You might be a redneck if…

You dont know what a redneck is.

Youre still upset that they canceled The Dukes of Hazzard.

You thought ER was ETs cousin.

You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.

You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name.

Youve ever been stuck in your own driveway.

You refer to your dog as the dishwasher.

Your car is made out of 17 others and each part is a different color.

You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot.

You can name all the characters from the Dukes of Hazzard.

You recite lines from The Dukes of Hazzard.

You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.

You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel.

You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels.

Your idea of a fancy dessert is moon pie ala mode.

You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.

You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.

You think the only tools real men need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.

Youve tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.

You name your car the General Lee.

An eskimo was riding across the tundra on his snowmobile, when it started sputtering. The eskimo cruised into town, and stopped at a mechanics shop. After five or ten minutes, the mechanic returns, and says,Looks like you just blew a seal.

To which the eskimo replied,No, thats just frost on my mustache.

A un hombre le toca la lotería y se va a celebralo al puticlub más caro de Madrid. Al llegar pide la puta más cara del local. El jefe le manda a una habitación y le dice que se vaya desnudando.

Aparece una puta vestida únicamente con un liguero y un delantal, tirando de un carrito de helados.

La puta le pone una bola de chocolate en la puntita del capullo, después una de limón, más tarde una de fresa, finalmente lo recubre todo con nata y lo adorna con sirope de fresa y dos barquillos. Entonces dice:

Y ahora, te la voy a comer entera.

A lo que él responde:

¡Estás loca, ahora me la como yo!

Q: Whats the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

A: About 30 pounds.

Dont stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

It got stuck in a bear trap, chewed off thee legs and was still stuck.

A rabbi loved to play golf, but he never seemed to have time. He couldnt play on Shabbat, there was religious school on Sundays, and on days off, something always comes up. But, amidst all the activity of the High Holidays, he got a very early tee time before services on Yom Kippur.A passing angel saw him and reported to the Lord. Ill take care of him, was the casual response, and the angel hurried back to the golf course to watch.On the next hole, the rabbi got a hole in one.Baffled, the angel returned to question the Lord. Werent you going to punish him for playing golf on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar? the angel asked. He just got a hole in one!I know, replied the Lord. But who can he tell?

The following is an approximation of an item in the New Yorker (the
kind that appear at the ends of articles in the back) that refers to a
correction printed by some newspaper I dont remember. (I read it in
a dentists office and dont have it in front of me now.)

Dear Abby said yesterday that one cure for hiccups is to use carbon
monoxide. The correct treatment uses carbon dioxide.

The New Yorkers comment? Too late.

Q: Why dont they know where Mozart is buried?

A: Because hes Haydn.

…and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ? Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: Ive come for some courage. NO PROBLEM! says the Wizard. WHO IS NEXT? Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well, I think I need a brain. DONE says the Wizard. WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ? Up steps George Bush sadly, Im told by the American people that I need a heart. IVE HEARD ITS TRUE! says the Wizard. CONSIDER IT DONE. There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesnt say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, WHAT DO YOU WANT? Is Dorothy here?