You might be a redneck if the interveiwer asks, “Did you know that we are a Fourtune 500 Company?”

And you answer “What track do yall sponsor that race at? I aint been to that one yet.”

There was a guy driving down the road when he ran out of gas. He went to the nearest house to ask for some gas. As soon as he opened the door it started to pour so the guy asked to stay overnight. The owner said, OK, but if you see a monster in the garage, whatever you do dont touch it. So the man went up to the guestroom but was too curious. He went down to the garage and saw the huge ugly monster. He decided to see what it would do if he threw a rock at it or made faces. He did both these but nothing happened.
So the man went and touched the monster. Up the monster jumped and chased the man all over the country. When the man got to a cliff he thought he was going to die, so he rolled up in a tiny ball.
When the monster came over he touched the man and said, Youre it!

I once had a friend who was a renowned clinical psycologist. He used to tell me about all the patients he had seen.

One of the most interesting cases he told me about involved a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder.

At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW II.

The concensus of the practitioners was that the poor fellow didnt know if he was Carmen or Goerring…

Even more clues you could be a Redneck…

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

Youve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.

You think the Bud Bowl is real.

Your dog goes oink!

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.

You know how to milk a goat.

Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.

Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.

Youve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.

Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

You have a refrigerator just for beer.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.

Youve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.

You dont think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.

The most common phrase heard in your house is, Somebody go jiggle the handle.

You cant take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

Theyre married.

Va un policía persiguiendo a un ladrón y lo pierde de vista. En eso ve a un borracho y le pregunta:

¿No vio a alguien doblar la esquina?

No, cuando llegué ya estaba doblada, responde con voz tartajosa el temulento.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Witches!
Witches who?
Witches the way to go home!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Grady!
Grady who?
Grady of Expectations!

Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but you shouldve seen the line outside the producers hotel room.

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasnt aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.

Thats fantastic, the man said. Hasnt he scored three bulls?

The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.

Yes Sir! , he announced to the crowd. This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware

I dont want any bloody glasses, the drunk replied. Give me another one of those delicious crusty meat pies.