Scientists created a new invention that could reduce the pain of giving birth. It gave some of the pain that the mother felt to the father. This was there first experiment:

One day a woman came who was in labor. They hooked the machine up to her and the other end to her husband. As soon as she started feeling pain they started transferring it to the husband. THey gave him 10% of the pain. He didnt feel anything. They gave him 20%. He still felt fine. 30%. No pain. 40%. Pain free. 50%, 60%, 70%, 80%, 90% and then 100%. THe father felt no pain whatsoever and neither did the mother. All the doctors were glad they had a pain free delivery. After the mother and father got home, they found the mailman dead on their lawn.

There was this guy that whent bear huntning and seen a large bear by a clearing, he aimed and fired and the bear dropped. that hunter ran up to look for the bear and it wasnt there, about that time the bear came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder and sead you have two choices, i can kill you and eat you or screw you a while, the hunter didnt want to die so he let the bear have his way with him and left.

he was mad as hell whent back the next day with a 7 mm mag and sure enough there was the bear in the same place. he took aim and fired and the bear dropped, he ran up to get the bear and there was no bear. the bear came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder and sead, same deal as yesterday. so the hunter let the bear have his way with him again and he left madder than before. he whent home and got a 300 weatheby Mag and whent back to the same lpace and sure enough there was the bear again. he took realy carefull aim and fired and the bear dropped and the hunter ran up again to get the bear and the bear wasnt there, the bear came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder and sead you aint realy into this for the hunting are you?.

Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?

He couldnt give her a pink slip without asking her to try it
on first.

Mr. Brown the old history teacher had a dirty mouth. He was always saying something off color or suggestive.

One day after class, Sally approaches his desk with a flock of girls in tow.

Mr. Brown, she said, We are tired of your filthy remarks and we arent going to put up with in anymore! The next time you say something nasty in class, we are all going to complain to the principal.

Mr. Brown was silent and the girls stormed off thinking they had cowed him.

The next day as everyone arrives in class, Mr. Brown is reading the newspaper.

The bell rings, but he continues to read. Finally, he looks up and says, Oh girls, you should find this interesting. The government is recruiting whores to go to Afghanistan and screw the servicemen over there for $100 a day.

All at once the girls get up and head for the door.

Wait a minute! shouted Mr. Brown. The boat doesnt leave till Thursday!

A cucumber wont tell you that size doesnt matter.
A cucumber wont need to be sucked off.
A cucumber wont care what time of the month it is.
A cucumber wont lie to you about having a vasectomy.
A cucumber wont want to come on your face.
A cucumber wont fall asleep too soon.
A cucumber wont fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
A cucumber wont make you sleep on the wet spot.
You wont find out that a cucumber is: married, on penicillin, or trying to screw your sister.
A cucumber wont grab cash from your purse while youre asleep.
A cucumber wont come home late, stinking of beer.
A cucumber wont run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
All cucumbers are fresh and juicy.
You can keep as many cucumbers as you want.
Your mother wont flip out finding a cucumber in your house.
Cucumbers dont jam the freezer with food you dont like.
Cucumbers dont stay up until 4 and then demand that you take care of them when they get sick.
But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME.
Cucumbers dont mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time.
Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber.
The cucumbers you raise dont desert you.

If I like it, its mine.
If its in my hand, its mine.
If I can take it from you, its mine.
If I had it a little while ago, its mine.
If its mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If Im doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, its mine.
If I think its mine, its mine.
If I …

Oops! Im sorry, I goofed! Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws, Ive been typing in Bill Gates primary Business Plan.

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game.
During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the
game as themselves, and are really impressed.

After the game they ask her how is it that you know so much about
baseball?

She says, Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. what was the most
painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?

That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.

Was it when they cut off your balls?

That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.

What was the most painful part?

The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!

[Ed: I thought this was a nice variant of this usually anti-female joke, although
I think the other one (when they scooped out half my brains) is
funnier for its sheer offensiveness. ]

Interviewer asks in America: Excuse me, what is your opinion
on the meat shortage?

And the reply is… Shortage? Whats a shortage?

Interviewer asks in Poland: Excuse me, what is your opinion
on the meat shortage?

And the reply is… Meat? Whats meat?

Interviewer asks in Russia: Excuse me, what is your opinion
on the meat shortage?

And the reply is… Opinion? Whats an opinion?

Interviewer asks in Israel: Excuse me, what is your opinion
on the meat shortage?

And the reply is… Excuse me? Whats excuse me?

Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common? A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you whats bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with womens crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.