Did you hear about the guy who drove his Ford Chevy truck into the lake?

It sank… like a rock!

If IBM made toasters …
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters …
Everytime you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldnt have to take the toaster, but youd have to pay for it anyway. Toaster95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you wanted your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters …
It would do everything Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

If Fisher-Price made toasters …
Babys First Toaster would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters …
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters …
Your toaster would have a secret trapdoor that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

Does Digital (formerly DEC) still make toasters …
They made good toasters in the 70s, didnt they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters …
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters …
Their Personal Toasting Device, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If The Franklin Mint made toasters …
Every month you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.

If Cray made toasters …
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If Thinking Machines made toasters …
You would be able to toast 64,000,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Timex made toasters …
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Radio Shack made toasters …
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could by all the parts to build your own toaster.

If K-Tel sold toaster …
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives with each one.

If XAVIER made toasters …
First, they would make a temporary toaster. They would plan for it to serve for several weeks while the permanent toaster was being made. Then because the new improved toaster will be so much better, they would reroute all the traffic within 3 miles of the permanent toaster. Anyone wanting to use the temporary toaster would have to walk to Kentucky and back in order to use it. They would say that the permanent toaster will be ready in five months; however, it would not be ready for at least seven months.

John OReilly hoisted his beer and said,
Heres to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife! That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.She said, Aye, what was your toast? John said, Heres to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.
Oh that is very nice indeed, John! Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of Johns toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary. She said, Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, hes only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

Veterinarians have evening hours.
Your kitten wont be able to disturb the whole movie with its crying. Hell, you dont even have to take the kitten with you, and if you dont, you dont even have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.
Your kitten wont grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.
Kittens look cute if they havent had a bath in a month.
You probably dont have to lie awake nights wondering how youre going to finance your kittens college education.
No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you dont want to breast feed your kitten.
No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten.
Dan Quayle cant accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you arent married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.
No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.

And the Number One reason why kittens are better than babies…

You only have to change the litter box once a day.

This guy enters a contest to see who can write the dirtiest limerick.

He writes a real doozie and figures that hes a lead-pipe cinch to win. Six weeks later he gets a notice in the mail that hes come in second place. Curious as to what could be filthier than the limerick he entered, he calls up the contest judge.

The judge says, Well, you certainly had a fine entry, but there was one that just was hands-down dirtier than yours. Id read it to you, but there are certain words I just cant say over the telephone.

All right, the contestant says, when you come to a word you cant say on the phone, just say the word blank.

So the contest judge says, Good. Heres the winner:

Blankety, blankety, blank

Blankety, blankety, blank.

Blankety blank,

Blankety blank,

Blankety blankety fuck.

Quotes about computers and software and other things
—————————————————-
Collected by Steen Hansen Hviid, Columbus, Ohio, USA

Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things,
because that would also stop them from doing clever things.
–Doug Gwyn

Walking on water and developing software from a specification
are easy if both are frozen.
— Edward V. Berard, Life-Cycle Approaches

True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches.
Once youve turned the light on everyone can see……….
– unknown

An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot
– Rich Julius

The C Programming Language – A language which combines the
flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.

Pascal – A programming language named after a man who would
turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

I havent lost my mind, I have it backed up on tape somewhere.

CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh!!

PROGRAM – n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn
ones input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime
similar to banging ones head against a wall, but with fewer
opportunities for reward.

On the Internet, nobody knows youre a dog.
– cartoon in the New Yorker

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it
correct, not tried it.
Donald Knuth

Beware of programmers with screwdrivers.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

PCMCIA – People Cant Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

Windows, another fine product from the folks who gave us EDLIN.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving
to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe
trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is
winning.
— Rich Cook

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
— Bjarne Stroustrup

Ive never met a human being who would want to read 17,000
pages of documentation, and if there was, Id kill him to get him out
of the gene pool.
— Joseph Costello, President of Cadence

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
appearance, the variable pi can be given that value with a DATA statement
and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also
simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
— FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should,
therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
— E. W. Dijkstra

It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
students that [sic] have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential
programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
— Dijkstra

Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read.
— Joshua Heller

The Internet is mightier than the pen.

I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained
it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and
low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born
relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the
crust to be absent — not because I wanted to know the answer, but because
I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular
case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsars
temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error.
I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
program to the point where it would not run at all.
— George Greenstein,
Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars

A system admins life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has
over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On
the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
new versions of their own innards!
— Michael OBrien

Recently, there was a public television special honoring writer Larry Gelbart, whose credits include the TV show M*A*S*H*, the movies Tootsie and Oh, God, and the Broadway revival of A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum.

At one point, Carl Reiner was seated between Gelbart and Mel Brooks, talking about the days when they all worked for Sid Ceasar.

One great moment went something like this:

Carl Reiner: (pointing at Larry Gelbart) Im sitting between the wittiest and (pointing at Mel Brooks) funniest people that I know.

(With perfect timing, Mel Brooks does a spit-take and sprays a mouthful of water at the audience.)

Host: Can you tell us what the difference is between witty and funny?

Larry Gelbart: (without missing a beat) Witty is dry.

Two buddies are on their way to the U.S. Army Induction center for physicals. Neither wants to go to war, so one says, I hear that if you dont have any teeth they wont take you. They decide its worth a try, so they stop at a Dentist and have all their teeth pulled.

When they arrive at the Induction Center there is a line waiting to get physicals. They decide it might look fishy if both stand in line, one after the other, so one guy heads for the back of the line. Just as he steps into line, a big ol farm boy hits the end of the line right in front of him, so the 2nd toothless guy lines up behind him.

The first toothless guy steps up and the doc asks, Anything wrong with you?

The Guy says, Well, no, except I dont have any teeth.

The Doc says, Open up and let me have a look. The Guy opens his mouth and the doctor runs his finger around his gums and says, Sure enough, you stand over there. The line slowly progressed to his buddy while he waited. The Farm boy steps up and the doc asks, Anything wrong with you?

The Farm Boy says, No doc, ceptin I have a little case of the piles.

The doctor says, Bend over, spread em and let me see.

The Boy does so.

The doctor rams his finger in, pulls it out, looks at his finger and says, Sure enough. Youve got em, stand over there.

The next toothless guy steps up and when the doctor asks him, Anything wrong with you?

He bellows, NOT GODDAMN THING, JUST GIVE ME THE GUN!!!

True story told to me by my uncle Fred D. after my asking what was in Aunt Merles cassarole dish.

During the depression years, Fred and his buddy were driving trucks on a Govt. road building project up in the Dakotas.

It was noon and they stopped their trucks at the roadside beside a small stream. There was an Indian encampment there between the road and the stream. One of the braves came up the hill to them and told them they could come down and eat with them out of the kettle.

They took their tin plates and cups and went down to eat with the Indians. Fred said that he knew what to expect so he took the ladle and put the stew on his plate and went over to sit on a log and eat.

But his buddy stayed behind and was stirring and poking into the stew, obviously trying to identify what was in it. Then one brave spoke up in a loud voice, Ugh! Dig deep. Dog on bottom.

I never did learn what Aunt Merle put in her cassarole.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, No pets allowed. The man replied, This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and youll see. The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game. The guy says, Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips. The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. Wow! Thats one helluva dog you got there! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown? The man replied, I dont know. Ive only had him for 7 years!