Two fat guys sitting in a bar. One finishes

his drink and says to the other, Your round



The other replies So are you, you fat fuck

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnels Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender: Can I have a hot rag for my nose?



The bartender says yes, but why do you need that for your nose?



The man answers Well, a couple of seconds ago I tried to sniff coke, but and ice cube got stuck up my nose.

22. If your idea of doing your hair is putting on a baseball cap

This chick goes to her docter and tells him that she can’t get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says “they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens”.

So she does and the next morning come back and says the sex was great what if I use ten?”

And the docter replied “they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens”.

So the next day she comes back and says “the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens.

The next morning a little boy walks up and says. “my mother’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: What chair?

21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic



1. The Titanic is big, but it doesnt have hyperdrive.



2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.



3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.



4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.



5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge cant say, Look at the size of that thing! and really mean it.



6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.



7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters.

Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.



8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.



9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.



10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?



11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.



12. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.



13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed kings of the world?



14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.



15. Nothing has the same sting as Id rather kiss a Wookie.



16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.



17. Han Solo wouldve steered clear of that stinkin iceberg!



18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who couldve anticipated, Luke….I am your father.?



19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor character.



20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars.



21. Titanic morals:

a. gamble,

b. cheat on your husband,

c. pose nude for pictures,

d. premarital sex is OK if youre infatuated.



Star Wars morals:

a. fight evil,

b. do good,

c. respect all life even if its ugly and slithers,

d. rescue princess,

e. save planet.

A: Saliva.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a man who has a burlap sack and a little guy about a foot tall sitting on the bar playing a little piano.

The guy that walked into the bar asks the man, Whats in the bag?

The man pulls out a genie lamp.

The guy says, Wow! Can I have one of your wishes?

The man says, I dont know. Rub the lamp and see.

So the guy rubs the lamp and out pops the genie. The genie says, You may have one wish.

The guy wishes for a million bucks. The genie says, Your wish is granted, and goes back into the genie bottle.

Just then one million ducks walk into the bar.

The guy says, I didnt wish for a million ducks.

The man replies, Yeah, and I wished for a twelve inch pianist.

A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. Master, Master you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you.The man thought for a moment and said, I would like the following three things to happen this year — The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title.The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.