Old and New Jokes

En el ejército estaban reclutando a gente para ir a la guerra. En eso, llega un gay a reclutarse, los reclutadores se quedan asombrados de como un gay se iba a reclutar y le dicen, ¿por qué te reclutas?, y el contesta, porque amo a mi país.

Entonces lo reclutan, y pasan los años y el gay es llamado, y lo mandan a la guerra. Un día el capitán del escuadrón decide hacer una emboscada al enemigo y se esconden detrás de una colina, llega el momento y disparan, pero no contaban con que el enemigo era más poderoso así que deciden huir, corren y se refugian detrás de otra colina y el capitan susurra:

No hagan ruido, de lo contrario nos van a coger.

En eso el gay se levanta y grita:

!Aquí estamos, aquí estamos!

A car drives up to a farmers house, a man gets out, knocks on the door, and the farmer opens it. A friend told me you have a mule that points quail, said the stranger, is that true?? Sure is, said the farmer, would you like to see him work? The strangers said, Sure. Soon they were walking through a field, when the mule suddenly stopped and struck a beautiful point. The farmer walks ahead of the mule and scares up a big covey of quail. This goes on a half dozen more times…the mule points…the farmer scares up the covey. Finally, the stranger says, Thats enough, Ive got to have that mule. He aint for sale, said the farmer. Ill give you $50,000.00 for him, said the stranger. Well, the farmer couldnt refuse such a big offer, so he sold him. The next night, the farmers phone rang…it was the stranger. What the hells wrong with this damed mule you sold me?, he screamed…all hes done all day is stand belly deep in my pond!! Well, said the farmer, I guess I shoulda told you……hed rather fish than hunt.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

63. Follow him/her around on weekends.

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

Q: Which is the odd one out – a refrigerator, a washing machine, a TV or a woman?

A: The TV because all the others leak when theyre fucked!

There was a brunette, a blonde, and a redhead and they were in the third grade. Who had the biggest tits?

The blonde, because she was

18.

I got this one from my Uncle over the Christmas Holidays, Ive no idea
where he got it from….

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be
confronted by his teacher:

Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why werent you at school yesterday?

Tommy: Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.

Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasnt too badly hurt I hope?

Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they dont fuck around at those crematoriums.

You might be a redneck if youve totaled every car youve ever owned!

Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news. Patient: Go with the good news first. Doctor: You have 24 hours to live. Patient: What?! How about the bad news? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only
suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in
search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan
vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open
and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became
aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch.

In pain, she screamed, What the hell did you do that for?

Tarzan replied, Tarzan always check for squirrels.