NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue blocked Patriots coach Bill Parcells form
switching to the New York Jets without the permission of the Patriots.
The Jets cant win, says Jay Leno. Even their coaches get intercepted.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor everyone ignores me! Doctor: Next please.

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are

seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under

way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin

walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.

Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as

he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have

their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of

practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and

the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among

themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.

Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer

and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and

more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a

sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and

at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to

the pilot: You know, one of these days the passengers arent going to

scream, and were gonna get killed!

Nowhere, Vermont

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, Names Enoch…your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday…thought youd like to come.

Great, replies Sam. After six months of living like this Im ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me.

As Enoch is leaving, he stops. Gotta warn you, though, theres gonna be some drinkin. Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them.

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. More n likely gonna be some fightin, too. Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. Well, I get along with people. Dont worry, Ill be there. Thanks again.

Once again, Enoch turns from the door, Ive seen some wild sex at these parties, too. Now that is not a problem, Sam says. Ive been up here all alone for six long months. Ill definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says… Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome
prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.
The second cant stand to be bested. Why thats nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And Im still here today.
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
penis.

A: Theyre too hard to peel.

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence.

They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows:

Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow.

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer.

He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.

Well, said the demon, the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes dont!

What the fuck was that?

The Mayor of Hiroshima

Look at all these fucking Indians

General Custer

Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!

— Captain of the Titanic

Thats not a fucking real gun

John Lennon

The fucking throttles stuck

Donald Campbell

Whos going to fucking know?

President Nixon

Heads are going to fucking roll

Henry VIII

Watch him, hell have some fuckers eye out

King Harold

Scattered showers my fucking ass

Noah

Where the fuck have you been?

Stanley to Livingston

Can you smell fucking gas?

Captain of the Hindenburg

Fuck you Brutus!

Julius Caeser

Q: Why do they give Viagra to elderly men in old peoples homes?

A: To stop them from rolling out of bed.