Old and New Jokes

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who cant even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts the sentence with, A man once told me…

How do you fix a womans watch?
You dont. Theres a clock on the stove.

Why do men pass gas more than women do?
Because women wont shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course… at least hell shut up after youve let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Whats worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who wont do what shes told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was Always.

I havent spoken to my wife for 18 months – I dont like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 90 percent – wedding cake.

Yo mama so stupid she got fired from the M&M factory because she throw out all the Ws.

A: They dont know the route.

How do you compliment a donkey? Hey, nice ass!

Three guys are convicted of a veryserious crime, and theyre all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.Theyre each allowed one thing to bringinto the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asksfor his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.At the end of the twenty years, theyopen up the first guys cell. He comes out and says, "I studiedso hard. Im so bright now, I could be a lawyer.It was terrific."They open up the second guys door. He comes out with his wife, and theyvegot five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thingof my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I loveit."They open up the third guys door, andhes slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

You might be a redneck if…
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

Why cant Chinese couples have white babies?

Because two Wongs dont make a white!

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

Q: Whats better than winning the Special Olympics? A: Not being retarded.

A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, I wonder if its magic. I think Ill rub it and find out.

Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, Im your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.

Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, Give me a million dollars. So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the one condition.

Next the man said, Id like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast. So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.

Finally the genie said, You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.

So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.