Old and New Jokes

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.

On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like HONDA. The man was besides himself. Every few minutes HONDA, HONDA….

Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out.

Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well, although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.

Lo and behold, the dentist said, Ah, theres the problem! What is it? the man asked. Why you have an abscess, said the dentist. An abscess? How could that be causing my problem? asked the man. Thats easy, replied the dentist. Why everyone knows…

Abscess makes the fart go Honda! (peeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeeew…hahahahahah)

A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor,

Doctor, my penis has been burning lately.

And the doctor said reassuringly, Dont worry son, that just means someone is talking about it.

From a document submitted and published in the Congressional Record on October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer[R-California]. The author chose to remain anonymous.

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.

Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

Republicans consume three fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.

Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.

Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.

Republicans wear theirs.

Republicans employ exterminators.

Democrats step on the bugs.

Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.

Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful.

Neither are Republicans.

Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should.

Democrats ought to, but dont.

Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.

Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.

Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows.

Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.

Democrats eat the fish they catch.

Republicans hang them on the wall.

Republican boys date Democratic girls.

They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that theyre entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats make plans and then do something else.

Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Republicans sleep in twin beds–some even in separate rooms.

That is why there are more Democrats.

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed.

The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that ight that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. The choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The American was afraid of needles and didnt want to be hanged so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and when they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happened a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The Torontonian was also afraid of needles and didnt want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didnt work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfies turn. He said, Im afraid of needles and the electric chair wont work so I pick hanging.

Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.

Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.

Parasites par-uh-sites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist farm-uh-sist: A helper on the farm.

Polarize po-lur-ize: What penguins see with.

Un día la maestra le dice a los estudiantes: Para mañana tienen que decirme cuales son sus dos colores favoritos.

Entonces pepito piensa en el rojo y violeta y va por todo el camino a su casa: rojo, violeta, rojo, violeta. Se acuesta a dormir, rojo y violeta…

Al otro dia va camino a la escuela repitiendo rojo y violeta, finalmente llega al salón y la maestra pregunta: Rosita, ¿cuáles son tus dos colores?

Rosita contesta: Amarillo y verde.

La maestra pregunta: Eliezer, ¿cuáles son tus dos colores?

Eliezer contesta: Anaranjado y verde.

La maestra pregunta: Juan, ¿cuáles son tus dos colores?

juan, el negrito de la clase, contesta: Rojo y violeta.

Por fin la maestra le pregunta a Pepito: ¿Y tus colores cuáles son?

Y pepito furioso contesta: Negro carbón.

Un par de amigos estaban bebiendo en un bar, cuando uno entre sollozos le dice al otro:

Hermano, ayer encontre a mi mujer haciendo el amor con otro hombre en mi propia casa y en mi cama.

No lo puedo creer, pero dime ¿tu que medidas tomaste?

¡Pues que medidas voy a tomar si todo lo tenía adentro!

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.



He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?



In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, – Damn, some asshole has my pen!